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Current Mood: explosive

I decided that it's not possible that all of my friends are insane unless it's simply me that causes them to act that way. Either that or the fragmentation of postmodernism has taken hold and we're all trying to subvert our own inner dialogues for fear that they're the voice of the majority.

For heaven's sake. Heavens sa-ke, the drink. It would be damn good right now.

Everyone in this computer lab hates me because I keep tapping my fingers to my ipod's beat and everyone else is trying to study. Soon I'll be playing one of the games that is on the computer to teach business students about supply and demand. here I come, lemonade stand.
and that's more than a dress.

So, I have kissed a surprising amount of my top 8 friends. Really. Maybe that's why they're still around.

I have to get off this computer. I can't stand electricity and flashing advertising banners.

Where are the fucking candles?

I really am going. to give up.

Currently Listening: "If It Weren't For Venetian Blinds"

what's good for me?

Current Mood: binary

drinking isn't? I don't know what is though. Love, love isn't good for me. It fills me up with worthwhile sentiments and then dissappears leaving me with all sorts of thoughts and feelings that I then, of course, just peddle off on someone else. being manipulative. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Good when I get what I want, bad when I realize how I've gotten what I wanted and it makes me a bad person. good= friendships with girls that don't hurt anyone. bad= friendships with boys that make me unsure of what the word "friend" entails exactly. good equals bottled water and showers, bad equals my room being messy for the first time this semester.

I'm going to be in bed all day reading. I guess that's worth something.

Currently Reading: He Knew He Was Right, Anthony Trollope

justpoetry

Current Mood: hopeful

justpoetry is back up. justpoetry.blogspot.com
I can't promise I'll keep updating it forever, but I will be taking a poetry class next semester, so at least I will have data to enter, if that's what poetry can be called.

Currently Listening: "Dilate," Ani DiFranco

throw me a line

Current Mood: jealous

because apparently I don't have one I can use.

I'm procrastinating. Hurray! I really could/should be doing better things, particularly better things than being trivial and trite. I should be studying. Bah for it.

I am slightly at a loss for words, partially because I have not been listening to "any good music" lately. That's far from true. The problem is, I have 21 GB of music on my computer and have been listening only to songs by bands that begin with an A or B for the whole beginning of the semester. It's been a nice alternative to always listening to the exact same thing, but I just feel like there are certain types of music that are missing from my playlist. Spectrums that do not begin in an A or B.

I begin with an A. Ardent. That shall be my new adjective. I used to cheat and use alacrity. I am a lot less cheerful and / or willing these days. I am, however, still characterized by intense emotion.

God save the King and don't forget about me.
Goodnight.

Currently Reading: Bobos In Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There

Debriefing

Everything about today has made me frustrated. Frustrated, tired, angry...angry. The problem is, I don't know who to tell except for myself. I know it's silly to blog this and pretend that I'm miserable....but really, I am kind of miserable and I have no one else to listen. I feel so pathetic. I don't remember falling asleep last night. I remember being in so much physical pain and being completely awake until my roommate woke me up this morning when she had to go to class. I am suprised I am still moving with as little sleep as I think I got. I have two exams this morning, which I guess isn't really the problem, except that I don't feel rested at all which makes me not look forward to them. Everytime I try to look at something, my eyes hurt from the exhertment. It's quite silly. This morning during adventure games, we were blindfolded and I got pulled into someone's shoulder, hard, so I have a fairly sore spot on my face. I hope it doesn't bruise or swell...that's the last thing I need. I guess the real reason I am writing this all to myself is because as silly as it sounds, I needed to tell someone, and I had no clue who I could get to listen. I feel bad...because I definitely do complain to my friends sometimes and then I find myself really reluctant to continue asking them to listen since they already have. I feel like I'm whining. I guess I am. I guess it's okay as long as I'm the only person who has to read it. Perfect.

Time to Deconstruct

mood: useless

I barely understand how I'm feeling right now. Every time I see a girl on campus with long, blonde hair, it's Miranda.

Everything else I really want to talk about is something I'm not allowed to say. I feel like I shouldn't keep talking about it. But I want to cry, constantly

It's midterms and I feel so alone and purposeless now that I'm done for the week. Work really may be the only thing that gets me through.

I hate being so fucking dramatic.

Currently Reading: Oryx and Crake

home away from home

current mood: comforted

I finally found it...something in the United States that makes me feel as if I am back in Japan for a few moments, surrounded by the familiar, comforting language and the faces from my neighborhood: Asian film. Ever since I've been back in the U.S., I never see a college aged kid without thinking that they all look exactly alike. I miss being in Japan with people I was growing to understand and feel a part of. I've missed it in a way that couldn't really be explained, but today I found something that comforted me, if only for the few hours it lasted. I have wanted to watch a couple of Asian films ever since I got back, and finally rented Hero (Chinese) last night and Last Life in the Universe (Japanese and Thai) today. I felt some comfort in simply understanding and recognizing the words and the actions and mannerisms of the characters. I don't know if it will be enough, but at least I've found a new love through which I can recall all of the fond memories I have of Japan that have seemed somewhat lost.

Currently Watching: Last Life in the Universe

in the beginning...

mood: godly

there was light, but I am guessing it wasn't at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
Sometimes I think that's where my life is, though a damp, dreary passageway through which I have to crawl on my knees. Either there or hidden somewhere another six years down the road and to get to it I have to take all of the right turns and not miss my exit. I guess of course that what I have now is a life, but sometimes it just feels too monotonous to be real. I seem to exist now outside of my body 60% of the time, but the rest of the time I spend being depressed by the things that continuously hold me back: lonliness, low self-image and self-esteem, fear of failure, some need to be desired and successful. I still haven't figured out who I am or who I want to be or what I consider success. I feel sometimes like I am simultaneously committing myself to two very different lifestyles which are completely contradictory.

In the middle of it all, I keep waiting for something earthshattering to finally give meaning to everything and show me the path which I must follow. Satori. An impenatrable idea which may be within my reach or may be several lifetimes away.
I feel so close sometimes. I have lost a sense of self. I have lost my voice. It almost seems unnecessary in the world I have created for myself. But still, I desire it so much. I wish I still had the words to describe what it is like to watch a fiber floating up through the air as if propelled by the heat from my body. I wish I had something to say about love and loss and sickness and health and forever and forever and forever.
There never seems to be the promise of forever in the thought of tomorrow. Half the time there seems like no tomorrow. But perhaps that is what forever is. A cessation of continuation. A definite stop which itself continues eternally. Or waking up from a dream. Realizing that we ourselves do live on past the point when our minds stop dreaming. I seem as equally disappointed in my dreams as in real life, so sometimes it's hard to tell which one is more realistic.

I'm making no sense which makes me happier than I've recognized myself as being in a while. Happy enough to close my eyes and float away and perhaps dream a dream of reality happening to me. Perhaps tonight the tunnel will shorten or the road become straighter or the one choice on my mind more apparent or the feelings that I am feeling more earnest and clear.

What is love about? Is it about stability, surreality, trust, truth? Is it percievable, perceptive, or an ancient art which has long been lost along with faith in something greater than a single nation or god. I have searched for the answer by believing in it, but believing blindly until I've trapped myself in my own ultimate (for the time) question. If you are busy believing in the idea of love that you've created for yourself, is it possible to notice when the real thing actually comes into your life or leaves it or does one get so stuck in their own idea of love that they live a forever limited life of what can be contained by their own mind? I used to think that my love grew everyday beyond my grasp, yet now it seems that it either grew so great that I cannot comprehend it or it exploded into nothing. I love nothing, it would seem. I feel no passion a good bit of the time and wonder whether I outgrew it or it outgrew me. I'm getting cryptic, which is okay with me. I understand myself, you see, as long as I don't say too much.

Currently Reading: Absalom, Absalom!