piercing scream

today is one of those days where I have to remind myself repeatedly, again and again, my life is not determined by external factors.

but I'm taking things one step at a time.

and I'll get to the end of the day.
and hopefully have done everything that needs to get done.

It's prime list making time.

Peace out.
SA meeting to attend to.

sitting in the dark

I think I have some more ideas about some future plans.

First, I think that the way I want to do all sorts of things is to go into military medicine with special interests in nontraditional methods....maybe something similar to Full Catastrophe Living like meditation...and look into how that affects different groups of people. I have some ideas.

Also, I want to do an independent study in women's studies next semester and keep an e-journal complete with pictures, detailing the ways in which my life is affected by me being a woman....seeking out privilege and seeking out flaws...reading some theory and figuring out how what they are saying is "true" or "false" within my own life. Seems like something I could get away with, yes?

Alright, well, I am going to go turn on some lights.

sleepy time t

I watched Rushmore tonight with Valeria, etc. It was REALLY good. I realized that I have got to keep getting good movies in the mail and actually watching them. I stopped doing this for a while earlier this semester and it meant that I never really thought about film but I really like film--well made films are beautiful to watch and have plenty of witty banter upon which to dwell. That is why I must keep watching them.

I cleaned tonight. Organizational, almost compulsive cleaning. I did the same thing last night when I watched Prince of Egypt with Jeff. I guess that's what "keeping house" is...being obsessed with things being in their place to the point that I sometimes waste time doing it. Although I wouldn't say a clean space is a waste of time.

*Yawn* I stayed up way past my bedtime tonight getting work done. I realized that I pretty much have at least one major thing to do or that is due every single day for the rest of the semester. Yikes! I also have a final paper due on Friday that I'm just not sure I can do. I wasn't really paying attention to how soon it was due. I haven't asked for an extension for anything all semester...so I really hope that I can get one, but I still always hate to ask. Maybe my professor will let me write on Fight Club the film rather than Fight Club the book, which would make it way easier.

Also, I was listening to Gregorian Chants on album while writing this post. It was PRETTY ridiculous.

absurdity

stay, men!
piss 'til?


It should further be recorded that these words are founded on the fact that my computer desktop is the picture to the left, (a red hibiscus) which is the food of the Hindu god Ganesha, a very moving figure indeed and a very fine specimen.

3:30 slump

I could not decide what to do at 3:30 this afternoon. An hour later, I have updated my blog in a way that I think is complimentary to what I wish I were getting out of it more often. Yesterday was such a full day. I wish it could have gone on forever but, of course, it didn't. For what it's worth, I think it may have been one of the more interesting days so far this year, although I've been having an awful lot of those recently. I won't get into details, but I met some super sweet people (also see picture) who played some fantastic music and were generally good company.

I can't really focus on telling you anything more this post, since I'm more concerned with other things....like continuing to update the way I run this blog...maybe even go back and label some of my other posts. I mean, it's mostly just for me, but why not do what I can with what I can.

I wish I knew HTML better....it would be a huge help.

I also wish that putting ideas on paper could happen spontaneously without my investment of time in them.

i of the tyger

eI, again, did not accomplish half of the things I needed to get done. I skipped classes to do them, and instead went back to sleep which was rewarding but not that enlightening. Also, it did not make my space any cleaner.

Now it is 12:40 and if I want to get to my 1:00 class on time ish, which I do, I have to neglect my duties in order to focus on my personal appearance for 20 minutes. It's 4/20 and a Friday. I want as many things about my body to be ridiculous as possible.

Alright, that might be stretching it a little bit.

I wonder how many people read this and think they know me but don't tell me they read it. I only read about four peoples livejournal/blogs religiously, and only snoop onto others when it seems inevitable...in which case I generally don't go back to keep reading them. Mine, however, is linked in my Facebook profile which is an expanding world of anonymity...a place where you, to quote MTV..."think you know but you have no idea."

12:42. My ability to look ridiculous has already been impeded. Must go.

Addition: Upon going back and actually linking, I realized that I only read about 3 people's blogs religiously. The fourth one would be mine which I do actually reread about as often as I post. Well, something like that.

hard to make cents

I always have a hard time pulling the pieces of my life back together when confronted with how insignificant my life is when compared to the enormous spectrum of things...which means, of course, that in my own life nothing is more important than my own life. It's a little confusing and a lot screwed up. The whole world.

I think I may have finally found the correct order to put all of my pieces together. As in, good for the rest of my life way of putting the pieces together. I'm pretty excited.

After I've dwelled on it for a bit, I will share.

loud noises!

The fact that there was a major storm last night that shook my windows and kept me awake did not deter the people working on the house next to me from coming in to work today. On the contrary, they were in to work even earlier and they shouted even more.

One man was even heard to shout, "I will follow you anywhere."

I did realize, though, that if I start listening harder, I may pick up some Spanish by the end of this.

In other news, I was afraid of my dreams last night. They weren't nightmares, so to speak...but I kept waking myself up for fear of knowing what happens next.

Alas.

happy endings

I couldn't really be more pleased with the way today and yesterday went.

Of the 110 things I needed to get done around the house, I think I accomplished like 35, which is a lot. Laundry, watering plants (the inside ones, obviously with all this rain!), dishes, coffee, trash, recycling, kitty, fridge, more kitty, more laundry, and more trash. That's not 35, but believe me when I say that I feel just as productive.

I am feeling alright about Chemistry...which, actually, is better than feeling confident, since I'm sure I will actually pay attention to what I'm doing rather than feeling cocky or whatnot.

I watched a fabulous movie and took a three hour nap instead of stressing out.

I danced a lot and had fun on Saturday with two of my favorites and said some pretty sentimental things to people who will appreciate them.

My only regret is that there are some people that I just can't read. And sometimes I get frustrated because I really, and I mean really, like to know what's going on.

My cat is going insane. I'm going to bed.

senior formal

I am just realizing now that I don't have the time to really get down to what was fantastic about last night. But I had a fabulous, delicious evening and I couldn't have asked for a better total package.

More soon.

Addendum: see the "labels" for what this evening entailed.

printing

I smell like cumin, incense, and indecision.

So, I've been trying to get a firm grasp on whether or not I'm emotionally doing alright right now...part of that process is being able to look back and get a good feel for how I've been expressing myself and whether or not it has been generally healthy. One big problem. Sometime in between the time that I had just gotten back from Japan and now I stopped posting for a good 8 months. During this 8 month period of time, a lot of things happened. I have some journal writings from Europe which I guess I could put up....if I really wanted to search back through them, which might not be a bad idea...but I'm not sure if they're the type of writing that I need to be looking at to figure myself out.

I just want to make sure that I'm moving in the right direction.
It's hardly ever as easy as it seems...

at night

a bath is about
cleaning your body
without getting your hair wet.

Prozac Nation

I think that Prozac Nation was harder to watch than anything else I've ever seen. Harder even than grotesque violence. Harder than really bad B-movies. Harder because the entire time I was seeing the familiar. Those lines weren't just some abstract screenplay that had something to do with someone else. It was my life. Those were my fights with my own mother. That is my life up to this point. I think, somehow, that I'm on the tail end of it...but to watch it...to see it...to recognize again just how close to the very bottom I was and to know that I could be there again...I could cry. All night. I won't. I won't because that's what not being depressed is about. It's about recognizing the difference between reality and theory. In theory I could cry. In theory I could have been devestated by my experiences. In reality, I know that I have to pull myself together and continue functioning. Functioning is what keeps me sane when there is nothing else left. That and keeping myself entertained. I look back on the times that I was a lot closer to crazy...and I guess I am just thankful that even though I didn't always feel supported, there were people around me who didn't give up. If you have ever done that for me or for anyone else...you should know that it's not always easy for someone to recognize how much you've helped them or even to say thank you, but you should know that you changed someone's life. You saved someone's life.

easter away message.

ho tally hey.
sweet. as. jesus.

funny faces

I'm really happy with where things are for me right now. I get scared to be happy though, so I never know how to interpret happiness. I've been feeling pretty heady these days....just a swelling feeling. There's been much more of an organic sort of process going on with my brain recently...I've actually been using it to do things I like. I wish I had gotten the hang of it a few years ago...I would have gotten a whole lot more done. I've been wondering what exactly has been the cause of it...and although I'd like to think it's because somehow I've improved as a person due to my own ability to control certain issues that I've run up against in the past, I'm hesitant to put that much faith in myself. I think more likely it has to do with medication. For anyone who has followed me electronically for a long time, you know that I've had one of those on-again off-again love hate relationships with a lot of medicine....Right now we're long-term off....and I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I'm tempted to chalk it up to that...but there so many other things that I've changed...for instance, not being in any sort of serious romantic relationship....I would really hate to think that single=stable because that would limit my life options a good bit.

I'm about to start a research project into clowns and the circus. When I say "reseach," I mean individual discovery process....Let me know if you're interested....if there's even a "you."

grudges

I hate that I constantly feel the need to smile.
I hate that people can be such idiots sometimes.
I hate that I am one of those people.

Um....today was a good, fully bursting day in which I really accomplished most of what I was supposed to do, did a lot of extra fun things, and felt good about it.

Why don't I feel better, then?

in response to bullshit....

say about me what you will
the only thing you can hurt
is my perception of you.

apprehensions and prehensile utensils

So, lots of things.

Number one: I have always had apprehensions about hanging out with the Meridian kids to the extent that I don't particularly think that I fit in, partially because I don't find myself to be very elitist or pretentious when it comes to music, which from my perspective, seems like a requirement. I mean, I don't meet some of the other criteria either, like being exceptionally environmentally friendly, etc., but it was definitely the music thing that held me back from befriending them for a few years...that and they never would put me on their damn listserv. I swear I signed up like three times.

Point being, I was sitting today under a tree outside of the Muscarelle looking at another tree, tentatively identified as a weeping cherry mini tree, listening to the music on my ipod when a fantastic French rap song came on...and then I realized....sure, I listen to music mostly compulsively, and yeah, I don't know a lot of back stories to a lot of albums, and maybe even my ability to hold a decent conversation about music is fairly impeded by my inability to retain small (though potentially useful) details, like who sang a song originally and who just put out a cover, but I am, at least slightly, pretentious when it comes to music. I listen to a lot of Japanese/French language music, have a reasonably decent beginning of an album collection, and know "good music" when I hear it...or at least I know what I like which, if my taste isn't completely terrible, I would hope is good music. Maybe what has really been "holding me back" is my complete and utter denial of just how pretentious I can actually be. I realized today, "pretty damn pretentious" is the answer. Go figure.

Second: I have REALLY got to stop it with the uncomfortable honesty. It just doesn't go over very well, even with people who know and generally like me. I think I may have frightened my good and mostly darling friend away from me today by being a bit too honest about what goes on inside my head. Granted, I guess it's hard to understand if you've never been there. I used to think that I enjoyed being surrounded by mostly (relatively) stable (though certainly damaged) people because they tend to develop a better environment for me to exist in since it tends to be slightly less chaotic. Sadly, these are also the people who just don't get it when it comes to trying to understand where I'm coming from. I'm aware that it's not really that important for people to understand, but sometimes it's really nice. I'm realizing, though, that when I can't connect with the people around me, I spend a lot of time trying to "dumb down" (although this isn't the appropriate term since attempting to change the way you present your ideas to people oftentimes has very little to do with whether or not you are left with the same intelligent content) what I'm thinking and it often feels like a waste of time. Trading stability for stimulation would be ideal...but it has been making me question what type of life I ideally want which brings me to...

Lastly: What do I want out of life?
I've been frustrated with this question for a while now. I've been unable to come up with a satisfying answer, so I've been stalling--that's what a fifth year is, after all--but I am not feeling any closer to a reasonable answer. I know that I could easily become a professional. I could go to med school or grad school or whatever school, maybe even just get a job, and be just fine. Professionalism is stable. I'd have a crisp, clean, white-collar life in which I would probably be repetitively doing the same or similar things within my career field. On the other hand, I could completely throw it all away and do something absolutely crazy. I could abandon the "safety net" that my parents have so kindly provided for me, but which often makes me feel more confined than safe and seems to be holding me back rather than letting me actually choose for myself what comes next in life.

I say "could" because I don't think I will. I want, desperately, to live the sort of life that I think (probably falsely) is tied more closely to freedom (from a lot of things) than anything I have experienced in my life thus far, but I can't imagine a set of circumstances that would actually place me in the position to make the choice. I am, regrettably, stuck in the system. I would like to think that by some passive act of nature and fate, I may organically be driven to live unencumbered in the woods for a year, but as Jeff reminded me today, a big part of life is actually actively making choices. Most things don't "just happen"...although the jury is still out on whether that statement is "truth" or just one way of looking at things....one personal philosophy versus another....I think, though, that even if I could make the choice....I wouldn't...I'm a little afraid of what might happen.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from professionalism and stability, I imagine a world full of self-reliance and possibly, depending on how I play my cards, a large amount of stimulation. Stimulation tends to, when there's enough of it, drive me a little crazy. I am certain that a world full of stimulation, surprise, and adventure would be more fun than monotony, but I'm terrified of it.

The real question is, what is the next step....now that I've put everything out there and acknowledged it?

friendship is rare

Yesterday was a very rewarding day. I had a lot of positives highlighted with opportune music and some fantastic (I would say) dancing on my part. I hadn't been to a dance party in forever. It was everything I could have ever hoped for.

In other news, I have happened upon someone who is very likely to become my new obsession. At least from what I can tell. I think I'm going to ask this person whether or not they have an apprentice program in which I could participate. I have a lot to learn.

The book has stalled for a while. I wrote a lot about apples but then it kind of faded away...

I'm fading away. Mike Levy reads XCKD too. I really hope the Syndication thing is an April Fool's Joke. Holler.