Sometimes I want to retreat into the life going on inside of my head and completely forget about everyone around me.
I really hate other people sometimes. I know hate is a strong word....and I know that anyone who knows me knows that I only very rarely allow this "hate" to escape into my daily life....but sometimes I can tell.
Today I am feeling extremely aggressive. I guarantee it's because we are in that lovely week that falls between Valentine's Day and my birthday, notably the most awful week of every other year of my adult life that I've participated in so far.
How do I feel this year? Like I want to retreat into a small space in my apartment, read 4 Harry Potter books, finish at least 2 significant books that I've been reading, scribble things into a journal, and wait for someone to notice that I've been missing for a few days.
But I, being a responsible "good kid" have classes, committments, and meetings that I am too lame to skip. I tried the whole "giving up" thing last semester. For two weeks I did absolutely nothing I was supposed to. Honestly, I felt motivationless, purposeless, and helpless.
I know that I wish that I wasn't motivated by all the "stupid" school shit I have to do sometimes....but I guess some motivation in some direction is better than being a stagnant pond of sloth.
The ideal would be doing without thinking....and thinking because it's fun....but somehow when I shut my body down, my mind soon follows.
Today I want to embrace something really good in life.
I may start with distillation. : )
2.14.2007
proposition
I hope that real paper never goes out of business. There's nothing romantic about typing away on my laptop.
2.13.2007
my cat sat on a flowerpot
I came home today to find my new plant, a really nice flower, flattened. At first I was devestated because I was sure that I had killed my plant. For me, killing something is terrifying since it implies that I may never be able to successfully nurture. Most women, I've learned are Feelers and not Thinkers. I am a thinker which is often translated as "bitch," or "cold." It makes me worry that any efforts I have as a parent will be inadequate....unless, of course, I find a male feeler...anyways, to make a long story short, I finally realized that I hadn't killed my plant. My cat killed my plant...or at least made a good attempt. If I hadn't gotten there when I did, it's pretty clear that plant would have had to get put into the trash....as it is, I salvaged it, I think.
The truth is, I like being domestic. I like turning things on and off, running a bath, doing chores. I would be content to hang out in my apartment and do these things all day. Sadly, I'm the type of person that really does believe, at least to some extent, that I'll be better off with a college degree from a prestigious university. Thus, here I am, getting that degree. Really though, I feel like I probably learn much more on my own...which makes me wonder why I've really decided to subject myself to approximately 10 more years of this. I really don't think it's a great idea, but alas, here I go.
I often wonder why I check people's away messages so often...and I think I may have figured it out. Obviously, other than the fact that I get lonely sometimes, I am really not looking to see what they're doing....I think that I'm hoping to discover some sort of secret wisdom in their away messages and profile quotes. It would be way better to read a book, but now that time moves so quickly, it's impossible (alright, difficult) to find enough free time. Here's my thought process:
Everything moves more quickly now specifically since the creation of the Internet.
When I want to talk to someone in writing, I don't write a letter, I text/IM/facebook message them. Sure, the phone is, I guess, the intermediate between snail mail and electronic communication, but I think the telephone falls in a different realm of communication altogether. The phone made more accessible those "face to face" conversations you need to have with someone in order to be able to hear their tone and inflection. So, rather than driving to see them, you can call them....so I guess there are steps pushing our interactions towards rapidity on both planes....the quickness of communication makes everything else travel a little more quickly too. Sometimes, I think, even the speed at which we are expected to work, now that we're doing everything in word processors rather than on a typewriter or by hand, has increased. Electricity and the 24/7 availability of the Internet means that my "work day" sometimes lasts from 7 AM- 2 AM. Yes, I realize that's only 5 hours of sleep. I am, after all, in college. During this work day, I ought to be, of course, working. This means looking things up, reading for class, writing papers, contributing to my community in a meaningful way, etc. Any time that I do have "available" is generally spent responding to electronic messages since I am not expected to recieve and respond to mail once per day as with snail mail, but instead multiple times. If I recieve an e-mail in the morning, I am expected to respond by noon. If I recieve a response by 3, I should respond by dinner time and expect an answer by 9ish. Of course, depending on whether the correspondent is a professor or another student, this back and forth may continue until 2 in the morning. In fact, without my multiple responses, some people would worry that they were being ignored and their words were going unheard. Also, because the Internet makes us available to everyone at all times, the group of friends with which we are, to an extent, expected to stay in contact expands exponentially. Even though these are "social obligations," they are still obligations....unlike pleasure listening or reading or napping, etc. All of these things together make me want to:
move to a cabin in the woods near a lake
have electricity since I really do believe it's useful and I like to be awake at nighttime
own an Internet-less computer (yeah....I can't do away with the word processor)
have a great library
and go into town 1-3 times a week
Honestly, the only deterrent is that I don't want to be doing this all alone.
Although I'm starting to think that I could do this alone.
"I am a rock. I am an island.
I have my books and my poetry
to protect me." -Simon & Garfunkel
The truth is, I like being domestic. I like turning things on and off, running a bath, doing chores. I would be content to hang out in my apartment and do these things all day. Sadly, I'm the type of person that really does believe, at least to some extent, that I'll be better off with a college degree from a prestigious university. Thus, here I am, getting that degree. Really though, I feel like I probably learn much more on my own...which makes me wonder why I've really decided to subject myself to approximately 10 more years of this. I really don't think it's a great idea, but alas, here I go.
I often wonder why I check people's away messages so often...and I think I may have figured it out. Obviously, other than the fact that I get lonely sometimes, I am really not looking to see what they're doing....I think that I'm hoping to discover some sort of secret wisdom in their away messages and profile quotes. It would be way better to read a book, but now that time moves so quickly, it's impossible (alright, difficult) to find enough free time. Here's my thought process:
Everything moves more quickly now specifically since the creation of the Internet.
When I want to talk to someone in writing, I don't write a letter, I text/IM/facebook message them. Sure, the phone is, I guess, the intermediate between snail mail and electronic communication, but I think the telephone falls in a different realm of communication altogether. The phone made more accessible those "face to face" conversations you need to have with someone in order to be able to hear their tone and inflection. So, rather than driving to see them, you can call them....so I guess there are steps pushing our interactions towards rapidity on both planes....the quickness of communication makes everything else travel a little more quickly too. Sometimes, I think, even the speed at which we are expected to work, now that we're doing everything in word processors rather than on a typewriter or by hand, has increased. Electricity and the 24/7 availability of the Internet means that my "work day" sometimes lasts from 7 AM- 2 AM. Yes, I realize that's only 5 hours of sleep. I am, after all, in college. During this work day, I ought to be, of course, working. This means looking things up, reading for class, writing papers, contributing to my community in a meaningful way, etc. Any time that I do have "available" is generally spent responding to electronic messages since I am not expected to recieve and respond to mail once per day as with snail mail, but instead multiple times. If I recieve an e-mail in the morning, I am expected to respond by noon. If I recieve a response by 3, I should respond by dinner time and expect an answer by 9ish. Of course, depending on whether the correspondent is a professor or another student, this back and forth may continue until 2 in the morning. In fact, without my multiple responses, some people would worry that they were being ignored and their words were going unheard. Also, because the Internet makes us available to everyone at all times, the group of friends with which we are, to an extent, expected to stay in contact expands exponentially. Even though these are "social obligations," they are still obligations....unlike pleasure listening or reading or napping, etc. All of these things together make me want to:
move to a cabin in the woods near a lake
have electricity since I really do believe it's useful and I like to be awake at nighttime
own an Internet-less computer (yeah....I can't do away with the word processor)
have a great library
and go into town 1-3 times a week
Honestly, the only deterrent is that I don't want to be doing this all alone.
Although I'm starting to think that I could do this alone.
"I am a rock. I am an island.
I have my books and my poetry
to protect me." -Simon & Garfunkel
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