Prozac Nation

I think that Prozac Nation was harder to watch than anything else I've ever seen. Harder even than grotesque violence. Harder than really bad B-movies. Harder because the entire time I was seeing the familiar. Those lines weren't just some abstract screenplay that had something to do with someone else. It was my life. Those were my fights with my own mother. That is my life up to this point. I think, somehow, that I'm on the tail end of it...but to watch it...to see it...to recognize again just how close to the very bottom I was and to know that I could be there again...I could cry. All night. I won't. I won't because that's what not being depressed is about. It's about recognizing the difference between reality and theory. In theory I could cry. In theory I could have been devestated by my experiences. In reality, I know that I have to pull myself together and continue functioning. Functioning is what keeps me sane when there is nothing else left. That and keeping myself entertained. I look back on the times that I was a lot closer to crazy...and I guess I am just thankful that even though I didn't always feel supported, there were people around me who didn't give up. If you have ever done that for me or for anyone else...you should know that it's not always easy for someone to recognize how much you've helped them or even to say thank you, but you should know that you changed someone's life. You saved someone's life.

funny faces

I'm really happy with where things are for me right now. I get scared to be happy though, so I never know how to interpret happiness. I've been feeling pretty heady these days....just a swelling feeling. There's been much more of an organic sort of process going on with my brain recently...I've actually been using it to do things I like. I wish I had gotten the hang of it a few years ago...I would have gotten a whole lot more done. I've been wondering what exactly has been the cause of it...and although I'd like to think it's because somehow I've improved as a person due to my own ability to control certain issues that I've run up against in the past, I'm hesitant to put that much faith in myself. I think more likely it has to do with medication. For anyone who has followed me electronically for a long time, you know that I've had one of those on-again off-again love hate relationships with a lot of medicine....Right now we're long-term off....and I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I'm tempted to chalk it up to that...but there so many other things that I've changed...for instance, not being in any sort of serious romantic relationship....I would really hate to think that single=stable because that would limit my life options a good bit.

I'm about to start a research project into clowns and the circus. When I say "reseach," I mean individual discovery process....Let me know if you're interested....if there's even a "you."