apprehensions and prehensile utensils

So, lots of things.

Number one: I have always had apprehensions about hanging out with the Meridian kids to the extent that I don't particularly think that I fit in, partially because I don't find myself to be very elitist or pretentious when it comes to music, which from my perspective, seems like a requirement. I mean, I don't meet some of the other criteria either, like being exceptionally environmentally friendly, etc., but it was definitely the music thing that held me back from befriending them for a few years...that and they never would put me on their damn listserv. I swear I signed up like three times.

Point being, I was sitting today under a tree outside of the Muscarelle looking at another tree, tentatively identified as a weeping cherry mini tree, listening to the music on my ipod when a fantastic French rap song came on...and then I realized....sure, I listen to music mostly compulsively, and yeah, I don't know a lot of back stories to a lot of albums, and maybe even my ability to hold a decent conversation about music is fairly impeded by my inability to retain small (though potentially useful) details, like who sang a song originally and who just put out a cover, but I am, at least slightly, pretentious when it comes to music. I listen to a lot of Japanese/French language music, have a reasonably decent beginning of an album collection, and know "good music" when I hear it...or at least I know what I like which, if my taste isn't completely terrible, I would hope is good music. Maybe what has really been "holding me back" is my complete and utter denial of just how pretentious I can actually be. I realized today, "pretty damn pretentious" is the answer. Go figure.

Second: I have REALLY got to stop it with the uncomfortable honesty. It just doesn't go over very well, even with people who know and generally like me. I think I may have frightened my good and mostly darling friend away from me today by being a bit too honest about what goes on inside my head. Granted, I guess it's hard to understand if you've never been there. I used to think that I enjoyed being surrounded by mostly (relatively) stable (though certainly damaged) people because they tend to develop a better environment for me to exist in since it tends to be slightly less chaotic. Sadly, these are also the people who just don't get it when it comes to trying to understand where I'm coming from. I'm aware that it's not really that important for people to understand, but sometimes it's really nice. I'm realizing, though, that when I can't connect with the people around me, I spend a lot of time trying to "dumb down" (although this isn't the appropriate term since attempting to change the way you present your ideas to people oftentimes has very little to do with whether or not you are left with the same intelligent content) what I'm thinking and it often feels like a waste of time. Trading stability for stimulation would be ideal...but it has been making me question what type of life I ideally want which brings me to...

Lastly: What do I want out of life?
I've been frustrated with this question for a while now. I've been unable to come up with a satisfying answer, so I've been stalling--that's what a fifth year is, after all--but I am not feeling any closer to a reasonable answer. I know that I could easily become a professional. I could go to med school or grad school or whatever school, maybe even just get a job, and be just fine. Professionalism is stable. I'd have a crisp, clean, white-collar life in which I would probably be repetitively doing the same or similar things within my career field. On the other hand, I could completely throw it all away and do something absolutely crazy. I could abandon the "safety net" that my parents have so kindly provided for me, but which often makes me feel more confined than safe and seems to be holding me back rather than letting me actually choose for myself what comes next in life.

I say "could" because I don't think I will. I want, desperately, to live the sort of life that I think (probably falsely) is tied more closely to freedom (from a lot of things) than anything I have experienced in my life thus far, but I can't imagine a set of circumstances that would actually place me in the position to make the choice. I am, regrettably, stuck in the system. I would like to think that by some passive act of nature and fate, I may organically be driven to live unencumbered in the woods for a year, but as Jeff reminded me today, a big part of life is actually actively making choices. Most things don't "just happen"...although the jury is still out on whether that statement is "truth" or just one way of looking at things....one personal philosophy versus another....I think, though, that even if I could make the choice....I wouldn't...I'm a little afraid of what might happen.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from professionalism and stability, I imagine a world full of self-reliance and possibly, depending on how I play my cards, a large amount of stimulation. Stimulation tends to, when there's enough of it, drive me a little crazy. I am certain that a world full of stimulation, surprise, and adventure would be more fun than monotony, but I'm terrified of it.

The real question is, what is the next step....now that I've put everything out there and acknowledged it?