punchy

First of all, I strongly dislike titles.

Secondly, not being on Facebook is hard! I have wanted to edit my interests, look up some people to friend, and basically be Facebooky. I wish I weren't so wrapped up in it.

Other than that, I guess I don't have much to say. Earlier I was in the mood to post and so I went to do so. Just as I was getting ready to say something useful, the bookstore Internet went out and so now I'm left with a bunch of undigested thoughts that are going to have to get squashed into the back of my head until later this week when I'm not furiously reading sciences.

Actually, no, you know what? Here it goes:

I think I screwed up. I don't think I'm doing this right at all. I think that I've convinced myself that I'm strong, ready, able, and willing to be a lot of things that just aren't in my heart to be.

I have been telling myself for a few years now that I would end up being the bread winner in my relationships because I would never find a man to support me and that I would never be a stay-at-home mom because I don't like kids that much, but that's a lie. I don't know how I convinced myself that I 100% felt that way, because I don't. I hate admitting I'm wrong, especially to myself, but I am. If I met the right person, I would let him support me. I would want to have dinner ready when he came home from work, and I would even raise the kids. I would want us to be a family that plays together and ideally, I would write. I would not devote my entire life to wiping up some kid's spittle; I would have my own life of which a family was one part. Really, that doesn't sound too terrible.

I think I've been so bitter and afraid that I wouldn't ever meet someone worthwhile that I've been telling myself that's not what I want. I think that I'm so afraid of failing at relationships, I won't even let myself think that I want one. I've been being pretty emotionless recently when it has come to men in my life, but I'm not sure that's me. I'm not sure it isn't...I'm just not sure.

I guess it feels so much better to put up a facade of a strong identity that I've put a lot of thought into creating than to admit that I have no idea who I am. I know some things...but not enough to define me.

When I came to college, I was a Mrs. Degree--the girl who is only in college because the dating prospects are better here than in my hometown (sad, I know). I expected, fully, to be mediocre academically, and it didn't really matter as long as I was having a good time. Somewhere in the midst of my two-year-long relationship, I changed. I was doing well academically. I was beginning to enjoy being the dominant person in a relationship instead of being a mom-in-training. My parents had convinced me that since I didn't really cook/clean/do my own laundry/etc., I would never be a successful wife/mother/parent/homemaker. I told myself then, "Well, I'm used to a doctor's salary and I haven't found anyone else to give it to me, so I might as well make it myself." That was the end of junior year. I was even more convinced after that summer that I would never again be dependent on someone, I turned into a raging bitch female chauvinist pig: I wanted to be the boss, be in charge, be as far away from children and the "home" as possible. I spent plenty of time bashing women who were sappy, sensitive, child-friendly, romantic, etc. I wanted nothing to do with anything that I saw as too feminine of a trait. I'm still not sure I'm completely over that. I do think that it's completely reasonable for me to think that I may end up in that sort of relationship. What has changed, though, is my ability to believe that maybe, just maybe, I won't. Maybe I will be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I will have a husband who supports our family with a regular 9-5 job while I work on books, teaching, whatever it is that I want to do to bring in a little extra money on the side. And hey, if I get successful doing what it is I want to be doing, great.

This brings up some questions for me: is med school really worth it? I feel like I won't really be driven to use my medical degree if I don't have to. I mean, maybe, but I might be just as happy teaching some writing classes or picking flowers in the park or reading with and to some kids that may or may not happen to be mine. I don't know. I'm just feeling like I could go into any sort of direction right now and lack completely the drive to head down any one specific path. I'm really hoping that something just pops up out of nowhere and makes the next set of big decisions I am bound to have to make eventually a whole lot easier.

I would say I might win the lottery, but I don't even play.
Maybe it will be the social lottery. Who knows?