stumbling

It's become fairly clear to me that the only way to describe the way I'm walking through life right now is "stumbling."

I am not in any way unhappy with how life has been going, but I've been barely able to safely traipse through it without falling flat on my face.

I've been busy. Not insanely busy, of course, but certainly not finding a lot of time to lounge around. I should be honest: I've been going out a lot. Maybe even too much. I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time wasting time with various sets of people including but not limited to Valeria and my neighbors.

Valeria will know as of Wednesday what happens next. I am so glad that I got to steal some extra time with her. I had let too much of our time together slip by without really appreciating how wonderfully we get along. She is someone that I always want to be a part of my life. That sounds cheesy but anyone who knows me and how little I usually appreciate girls will understand that I reserve that honor for very few people.

I think, maybe, I'm still stuck in "senior summer's coming mode" and may be until V leaves. I'm pretty concerned with savoring every second that I have because I know how much it sucks to not get to see your best friends every day anymore.

I am going to promise myself right now to spend all of tomorrow getting my life together. I need to actually put everything in my planner and stop living from day to day hoping that I haven't forgotten anything. I've been doing an okay job so far, but I know that at some point it's going to bite me in the ass if I don't actually plan ahead.

Every time I talk to my dad, he asks me how my mood is...and I don't usually stop to think about it, because it's been fine, but I am realizing that right now I'm not all that happy with certain things. I really miss being physically close to someone. I've been drinking too much and saying/doing things that might otherwise be inappropriate were I not to have the excuse of being intoxicated. I'm worried that these two things are related and may continue to get worse unless I somehow address it. I know, though, that I've also balked at the idea of being in a relationship, particularly with specific people. I guess I'm not that against the general idea, but I have gotten really attached to being in control of my space and my life. I'm not sure that I'm going to find someone any time soon that will actually be worth letting in for the long term.

Plus, I don't want anything getting in the way of having a fucking awesome last year, although I haven't quite figured out how it's going to play out. I may only be in school this first semester and may spend next semester working, although I may play it by ear, seeing what sort of grades I get, what sorts of things I do or don't get involved with. Maybe I'll take an underload and work. I'd really like to save up some money at some point.

On a mostly unrelated note, I'm starting to really miss some of the people who aren't here this semester. Jeff especially. I know it's better for him not to be here, but I also know he's not having the best of semesters with his parents. I wish there were something I could do to make his life better. Alas.

Alright, this has gone on too long. I also am glad that I am about the only person to ever read this thing. It makes rambling on about things that are unimportant to everyone else so much easier.