up too early

So strange for me to be up before 10 when I don't have any reason to be whatsoever. And I can't put my finger on anything. I went to bed late(ish) so certainly I'm not well rested. My only guess is that a) the sun is coming up a little earlier and b) there's someone sawing something loudly next door. Although, to be fair, that's been happening for the last two years, so nothing new there.

So, what did I do with my first hour of glorious awakeness? Well, I looked at all of Oxford's statistics, checked e-mail about 100 times, and played on facebook. The moral of the story is that I would have been better served, probably, by staying asleep. I'm a little confused, seriously, why that didn't happen.

All I know is that I'll probably need a nap later. Kind of boo.

And I really wish that I had spent that hour more meaningfully because I won't ever get it back and because I will probably do all those other useless things 300 times today, again. Alas.

But, whatever, I should be celebrating because I have nothing to do on Mondays and get to languish in bed for hours at a time doing worthless, trivial things that have nothing at all to do with anything. Sometimes it's great to be a fourth semester senior.

In other news: there isn't really any. My life is full, certainly, but not of the type of thing that usually finds its way to these pages. I realized that I usually post about the downsides...the negatives...the things I'm so frustrated about I feel like I can't actually share them with a real person. Since I've got none of those things to complain about, I have just been making random "aaaah" postings. While I'm sure these posts are fun for me to write, they don't really add much substance or demonstrate much of the joy and complexity of life to others. Suffice it to say that I feel like I should be writing about substantive things instead of nothing. I'll try, but I'm not saying everything.

I feel like, sometimes, the most worthwhile things in life are the ones we hold so close to our heart that we don't share them with people as a mass, just with the one or two other people to which they matter. I think that might be best about 98% of the time. The other 2% I feel like is what I should be writing about. I think the whole point of writing is to share beauty, splendor, wonder, and happiness with others. Especially once I've gotten some of it. These things, though, can be so elusive. And right now the things that make me smile are connected to things that are mine alone, so I'm going to take them, run with them (possibly even literally), and let you know when myself and things come crashing down. Hopefully, though, it will be laughing in the grass instead of sobbing on the pavement, but I still think either is worth a journey full of meaning, exchange, and growth.

All endings are happy if you believe in the power of the story that brought you there.

And right now, I do.

stumbling

It's become fairly clear to me that the only way to describe the way I'm walking through life right now is "stumbling."

I am not in any way unhappy with how life has been going, but I've been barely able to safely traipse through it without falling flat on my face.

I've been busy. Not insanely busy, of course, but certainly not finding a lot of time to lounge around. I should be honest: I've been going out a lot. Maybe even too much. I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time wasting time with various sets of people including but not limited to Valeria and my neighbors.

Valeria will know as of Wednesday what happens next. I am so glad that I got to steal some extra time with her. I had let too much of our time together slip by without really appreciating how wonderfully we get along. She is someone that I always want to be a part of my life. That sounds cheesy but anyone who knows me and how little I usually appreciate girls will understand that I reserve that honor for very few people.

I think, maybe, I'm still stuck in "senior summer's coming mode" and may be until V leaves. I'm pretty concerned with savoring every second that I have because I know how much it sucks to not get to see your best friends every day anymore.

I am going to promise myself right now to spend all of tomorrow getting my life together. I need to actually put everything in my planner and stop living from day to day hoping that I haven't forgotten anything. I've been doing an okay job so far, but I know that at some point it's going to bite me in the ass if I don't actually plan ahead.

Every time I talk to my dad, he asks me how my mood is...and I don't usually stop to think about it, because it's been fine, but I am realizing that right now I'm not all that happy with certain things. I really miss being physically close to someone. I've been drinking too much and saying/doing things that might otherwise be inappropriate were I not to have the excuse of being intoxicated. I'm worried that these two things are related and may continue to get worse unless I somehow address it. I know, though, that I've also balked at the idea of being in a relationship, particularly with specific people. I guess I'm not that against the general idea, but I have gotten really attached to being in control of my space and my life. I'm not sure that I'm going to find someone any time soon that will actually be worth letting in for the long term.

Plus, I don't want anything getting in the way of having a fucking awesome last year, although I haven't quite figured out how it's going to play out. I may only be in school this first semester and may spend next semester working, although I may play it by ear, seeing what sort of grades I get, what sorts of things I do or don't get involved with. Maybe I'll take an underload and work. I'd really like to save up some money at some point.

On a mostly unrelated note, I'm starting to really miss some of the people who aren't here this semester. Jeff especially. I know it's better for him not to be here, but I also know he's not having the best of semesters with his parents. I wish there were something I could do to make his life better. Alas.

Alright, this has gone on too long. I also am glad that I am about the only person to ever read this thing. It makes rambling on about things that are unimportant to everyone else so much easier.

punchy

First of all, I strongly dislike titles.

Secondly, not being on Facebook is hard! I have wanted to edit my interests, look up some people to friend, and basically be Facebooky. I wish I weren't so wrapped up in it.

Other than that, I guess I don't have much to say. Earlier I was in the mood to post and so I went to do so. Just as I was getting ready to say something useful, the bookstore Internet went out and so now I'm left with a bunch of undigested thoughts that are going to have to get squashed into the back of my head until later this week when I'm not furiously reading sciences.

Actually, no, you know what? Here it goes:

I think I screwed up. I don't think I'm doing this right at all. I think that I've convinced myself that I'm strong, ready, able, and willing to be a lot of things that just aren't in my heart to be.

I have been telling myself for a few years now that I would end up being the bread winner in my relationships because I would never find a man to support me and that I would never be a stay-at-home mom because I don't like kids that much, but that's a lie. I don't know how I convinced myself that I 100% felt that way, because I don't. I hate admitting I'm wrong, especially to myself, but I am. If I met the right person, I would let him support me. I would want to have dinner ready when he came home from work, and I would even raise the kids. I would want us to be a family that plays together and ideally, I would write. I would not devote my entire life to wiping up some kid's spittle; I would have my own life of which a family was one part. Really, that doesn't sound too terrible.

I think I've been so bitter and afraid that I wouldn't ever meet someone worthwhile that I've been telling myself that's not what I want. I think that I'm so afraid of failing at relationships, I won't even let myself think that I want one. I've been being pretty emotionless recently when it has come to men in my life, but I'm not sure that's me. I'm not sure it isn't...I'm just not sure.

I guess it feels so much better to put up a facade of a strong identity that I've put a lot of thought into creating than to admit that I have no idea who I am. I know some things...but not enough to define me.

When I came to college, I was a Mrs. Degree--the girl who is only in college because the dating prospects are better here than in my hometown (sad, I know). I expected, fully, to be mediocre academically, and it didn't really matter as long as I was having a good time. Somewhere in the midst of my two-year-long relationship, I changed. I was doing well academically. I was beginning to enjoy being the dominant person in a relationship instead of being a mom-in-training. My parents had convinced me that since I didn't really cook/clean/do my own laundry/etc., I would never be a successful wife/mother/parent/homemaker. I told myself then, "Well, I'm used to a doctor's salary and I haven't found anyone else to give it to me, so I might as well make it myself." That was the end of junior year. I was even more convinced after that summer that I would never again be dependent on someone, I turned into a raging bitch female chauvinist pig: I wanted to be the boss, be in charge, be as far away from children and the "home" as possible. I spent plenty of time bashing women who were sappy, sensitive, child-friendly, romantic, etc. I wanted nothing to do with anything that I saw as too feminine of a trait. I'm still not sure I'm completely over that. I do think that it's completely reasonable for me to think that I may end up in that sort of relationship. What has changed, though, is my ability to believe that maybe, just maybe, I won't. Maybe I will be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I will have a husband who supports our family with a regular 9-5 job while I work on books, teaching, whatever it is that I want to do to bring in a little extra money on the side. And hey, if I get successful doing what it is I want to be doing, great.

This brings up some questions for me: is med school really worth it? I feel like I won't really be driven to use my medical degree if I don't have to. I mean, maybe, but I might be just as happy teaching some writing classes or picking flowers in the park or reading with and to some kids that may or may not happen to be mine. I don't know. I'm just feeling like I could go into any sort of direction right now and lack completely the drive to head down any one specific path. I'm really hoping that something just pops up out of nowhere and makes the next set of big decisions I am bound to have to make eventually a whole lot easier.

I would say I might win the lottery, but I don't even play.
Maybe it will be the social lottery. Who knows?

a return to torture

After many, many moons of me being too busy to actually get back to updating this regularly, I'm back. Largely due to the fact that I deactivated Facebook today, which was really anti-climactic. I'm really displeased with a large number of my my recent posts--almost to the point of wanting to delete some of them, but I know that isn't very authentic.

I've been working on 100 things, including my Fulbright application, my Peace Corps application, and getting back into the swing of school somewhere between orientation and recruitment counseling. I've realized, though, that I am really going to need a different kind of life style this year if I want to maintain my cerebral integrity as well as make it through here having actually gotten something done.

I've been considering a couple of possibilities, though, including dropping out of school, running for public office, and, if I don't win, going to the Agnes Scott pre-med program, largely because I just need a change of scenery. I really did like Atlanta. Everyone down there was SO super friendly. I was kind of shocked. Other than getting chased by a drug user shouting expletives based on my skin color, I felt relatively at ease there. I am not sure it would be my ideal city, but just the number of things I wanted to do and didn't get to, and the cool things I discovered while looking make me think that I could spend a year or so happily there. Plus, it's time for a change of scenery. This place is getting old.

Actually, that's a lie, I'm just getting too old for this place. I am realizing that I had one goal for college that didn't exactly work out, and it may even have been my most sincere one. I guess I just assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams (actually, upon rereading this...gag me with a spoon, seriously) sometime during undergrad and he and I would live happily ever after and I would only have to worry about a job in the context of getting to spend the rest of my life (or at least a reasonably large chunk) with someone I was in love with. I mean, right now I'm trying to figure out what to do next with my life because what I really want to be doing, I can't do without being "with" someone. I really just want to travel all over the place, but part of that is having a relatively stable, enjoyable traveling companion. That's something I just don't have right now. I guess I would enjoy traveling the road with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but the problem with that is the whole commitment/companionship thing. You've got to have that down pat before you can journey with someone and that's the hardest part of relationships for me.

I've been thinking about the military again. I am starting to think that it might be my best option because I really do need someone to whip me into shape. I need fewer options; I need to be told what to do. I feel like, for once, I need to live my life completely for something other than myself. I don't know if I could really do that in the military, but it would be better than turning into a waste of space because I am bad at making decisions.

I really wish I felt like I had some more direction.
But I am going to just breathe and let life happen.

Maybe what I need will turn up and if I'm paying attention, I'll notice.

chicken little's vanilla skies are falling

I asked someone to marry me tonight.
and they said yes.

Granted, it's a pretty non-restrictive contract in that it has no implication on immediacy or monogamy...but, actually, aren't those the best types of contracts.

Whoa.

senior formal

I am just realizing now that I don't have the time to really get down to what was fantastic about last night. But I had a fabulous, delicious evening and I couldn't have asked for a better total package.

More soon.

Addendum: see the "labels" for what this evening entailed.

funny faces

I'm really happy with where things are for me right now. I get scared to be happy though, so I never know how to interpret happiness. I've been feeling pretty heady these days....just a swelling feeling. There's been much more of an organic sort of process going on with my brain recently...I've actually been using it to do things I like. I wish I had gotten the hang of it a few years ago...I would have gotten a whole lot more done. I've been wondering what exactly has been the cause of it...and although I'd like to think it's because somehow I've improved as a person due to my own ability to control certain issues that I've run up against in the past, I'm hesitant to put that much faith in myself. I think more likely it has to do with medication. For anyone who has followed me electronically for a long time, you know that I've had one of those on-again off-again love hate relationships with a lot of medicine....Right now we're long-term off....and I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I'm tempted to chalk it up to that...but there so many other things that I've changed...for instance, not being in any sort of serious romantic relationship....I would really hate to think that single=stable because that would limit my life options a good bit.

I'm about to start a research project into clowns and the circus. When I say "reseach," I mean individual discovery process....Let me know if you're interested....if there's even a "you."

friend is a four letter word

I would not say that I trust easily....but maybe I do. All I know is that I repeatedly get demolished by people I count among my closest friends. Maybe I have a hard time reading people or people have a hard time being honest with me...I'm not quite sure. I have always thought that I was relatively approachable, and I generally make it very clear to people that I am close to how much I desire honesty over all other things. Seriously, I would rather someone say things that hurt than to say one thing and do another.

Right now I'm just in this weird place. I know what's best for me isn't what I've been doing, but it just felt yummy, healthy, promising. I love developing friendships with people that I'm close to and ending up in a good place where there's a bubble, a safe zone, of trust. I think that before this week started, I didn't have much faith in that bubble, but for some reason I decided Monday or yesterday that it really was fine for me to put my trust into it and believe in it. Big mistake for me. Now, after having spent an entire semester trying just to protect myself from feeling abandoned, alone, worthless...I manage to do it all in one week without even having someone to abandon me in the first place.

I don't always take things like this well. In fact, I would say that most of the time I take them extraordinarily poorly. And I would also say that this time of year, the last week of classes, the moment before I need to be buckling down and doing well with work, this is not the time when I need to be making my life any harder with these issues. Sadly, we don't always get a choice in how our life plays out.

I guess this just hasn't been my year. I think, this year, I will actually make some resolutions for new year's, and hopefully stick to them.

here my motor purrs

there's a fine line between desperate and romantic. scenario once: the girl says: I have loved you from the moment I've seen you, and I think you're the one. the guy says: oh my god. you are a complete creep and I never want to see you again. get away from me. scenario deux: the girl says: I know this more than I've never known anything, that if there ever was a right one for me, you are it. I love you. the guy says: I feel completely the same way. thank you so much for being the perfect person and for loving me. let's get married.

fine line: being able to weigh the odds, play the game, and maintain a proper balance of your affections in line with the one to which they are directed.

If you play it wrong, you lose completely and usually end up single with a reputation for being crazy. Play it right, you end up married. Sometimes people say love operates in many shades of gray. Sometimes I even say it. But I'm starting to think that it's much more black and white.

I prefer to write about it in colors, so I'm off to dream.

what's good for me?

Current Mood: binary

drinking isn't? I don't know what is though. Love, love isn't good for me. It fills me up with worthwhile sentiments and then dissappears leaving me with all sorts of thoughts and feelings that I then, of course, just peddle off on someone else. being manipulative. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Good when I get what I want, bad when I realize how I've gotten what I wanted and it makes me a bad person. good= friendships with girls that don't hurt anyone. bad= friendships with boys that make me unsure of what the word "friend" entails exactly. good equals bottled water and showers, bad equals my room being messy for the first time this semester.

I'm going to be in bed all day reading. I guess that's worth something.

Currently Reading: He Knew He Was Right, Anthony Trollope

in the beginning...

mood: godly

there was light, but I am guessing it wasn't at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
Sometimes I think that's where my life is, though a damp, dreary passageway through which I have to crawl on my knees. Either there or hidden somewhere another six years down the road and to get to it I have to take all of the right turns and not miss my exit. I guess of course that what I have now is a life, but sometimes it just feels too monotonous to be real. I seem to exist now outside of my body 60% of the time, but the rest of the time I spend being depressed by the things that continuously hold me back: lonliness, low self-image and self-esteem, fear of failure, some need to be desired and successful. I still haven't figured out who I am or who I want to be or what I consider success. I feel sometimes like I am simultaneously committing myself to two very different lifestyles which are completely contradictory.

In the middle of it all, I keep waiting for something earthshattering to finally give meaning to everything and show me the path which I must follow. Satori. An impenatrable idea which may be within my reach or may be several lifetimes away.
I feel so close sometimes. I have lost a sense of self. I have lost my voice. It almost seems unnecessary in the world I have created for myself. But still, I desire it so much. I wish I still had the words to describe what it is like to watch a fiber floating up through the air as if propelled by the heat from my body. I wish I had something to say about love and loss and sickness and health and forever and forever and forever.
There never seems to be the promise of forever in the thought of tomorrow. Half the time there seems like no tomorrow. But perhaps that is what forever is. A cessation of continuation. A definite stop which itself continues eternally. Or waking up from a dream. Realizing that we ourselves do live on past the point when our minds stop dreaming. I seem as equally disappointed in my dreams as in real life, so sometimes it's hard to tell which one is more realistic.

I'm making no sense which makes me happier than I've recognized myself as being in a while. Happy enough to close my eyes and float away and perhaps dream a dream of reality happening to me. Perhaps tonight the tunnel will shorten or the road become straighter or the one choice on my mind more apparent or the feelings that I am feeling more earnest and clear.

What is love about? Is it about stability, surreality, trust, truth? Is it percievable, perceptive, or an ancient art which has long been lost along with faith in something greater than a single nation or god. I have searched for the answer by believing in it, but believing blindly until I've trapped myself in my own ultimate (for the time) question. If you are busy believing in the idea of love that you've created for yourself, is it possible to notice when the real thing actually comes into your life or leaves it or does one get so stuck in their own idea of love that they live a forever limited life of what can be contained by their own mind? I used to think that my love grew everyday beyond my grasp, yet now it seems that it either grew so great that I cannot comprehend it or it exploded into nothing. I love nothing, it would seem. I feel no passion a good bit of the time and wonder whether I outgrew it or it outgrew me. I'm getting cryptic, which is okay with me. I understand myself, you see, as long as I don't say too much.

Currently Reading: Absalom, Absalom!