spare change

I am usually sad when I go to read my favorite weblogs and they've not been updated in a while, so when, today, none of them had been, I decided to update my own instead. Not quite as good, but almost and it will have to do.

I just got back to the gym. I've been running at least a mile every day. Today, though, is laundry day and I didn't have a sports bra. Note to self: next time just wear a dirty sports bra. I couldn't even run fast because my boobs were bouncing all over the place.

Ah, femininity.

It's Friday. Friday's are my days. I really had hoped to be super productive, but I wasn't really. I did do some laundry, which was desperately needed, and cleaned my house a little. It needs to be cleaner, but one step at a time will have to be the going rate.

I did listen to some new albums, though. Who knew that I had Bob Dylan's greatest hits on vinyl. I completely forgot! I am kind of sad that I won't be able to take my records with me next year. They kind of rock my life and it won't feel the same without them. On the other hand, I'll probably be in a much smaller room. Actually, now that I'm in, I might go looking for more information about my potential colleges.

OH, by the way (ps) for those of you who don't know...I got into Oxford (yes, in England) for Graduate School in Women's Studies. I am ecstatic. Really.

The Secret

I watched The Secret last night and am trying to put it into action in my life. I know a lot of my friends are really skeptical about things like this, but I feel like this skepticism is exactly why these theories don't work for them.

I am completely aware that when I am surrounded by positive energy and when I am producing a lot of it, I am productive, full of good ideas, and so happy that nothing could make me frown. Plus, why not be optimistic? The more you believe that you can and will accomplish, the more likely it is that you will at least try and you can't succeed if you don't.

The Secret is about attracting those things to you that you want by believing that you already have them. It's really not hard to see why it works, if you think about it. If you are actively thinking about what it is you really want, whether it's a person or an opportunity, you are much more likely to see it when it does saunter into your life.

It's also about appreciating what you already have and focusing on the positives. Feeling good about what you have and really appreciating it attracts more of the same. So on that note, I really am thankful for a lot of the things that I have, particularly the people who are in my life. Especially the people who show up out of nowhere to provide love and support when I most need it. I'm going to make a more comprehensive list later, probably in one of the side boxes, about the things that I really want out of life. I like to set goal lists from time to time because realizing what you actually want is the first step towards working toward it. I'll keep you updated

punchy

First of all, I strongly dislike titles.

Secondly, not being on Facebook is hard! I have wanted to edit my interests, look up some people to friend, and basically be Facebooky. I wish I weren't so wrapped up in it.

Other than that, I guess I don't have much to say. Earlier I was in the mood to post and so I went to do so. Just as I was getting ready to say something useful, the bookstore Internet went out and so now I'm left with a bunch of undigested thoughts that are going to have to get squashed into the back of my head until later this week when I'm not furiously reading sciences.

Actually, no, you know what? Here it goes:

I think I screwed up. I don't think I'm doing this right at all. I think that I've convinced myself that I'm strong, ready, able, and willing to be a lot of things that just aren't in my heart to be.

I have been telling myself for a few years now that I would end up being the bread winner in my relationships because I would never find a man to support me and that I would never be a stay-at-home mom because I don't like kids that much, but that's a lie. I don't know how I convinced myself that I 100% felt that way, because I don't. I hate admitting I'm wrong, especially to myself, but I am. If I met the right person, I would let him support me. I would want to have dinner ready when he came home from work, and I would even raise the kids. I would want us to be a family that plays together and ideally, I would write. I would not devote my entire life to wiping up some kid's spittle; I would have my own life of which a family was one part. Really, that doesn't sound too terrible.

I think I've been so bitter and afraid that I wouldn't ever meet someone worthwhile that I've been telling myself that's not what I want. I think that I'm so afraid of failing at relationships, I won't even let myself think that I want one. I've been being pretty emotionless recently when it has come to men in my life, but I'm not sure that's me. I'm not sure it isn't...I'm just not sure.

I guess it feels so much better to put up a facade of a strong identity that I've put a lot of thought into creating than to admit that I have no idea who I am. I know some things...but not enough to define me.

When I came to college, I was a Mrs. Degree--the girl who is only in college because the dating prospects are better here than in my hometown (sad, I know). I expected, fully, to be mediocre academically, and it didn't really matter as long as I was having a good time. Somewhere in the midst of my two-year-long relationship, I changed. I was doing well academically. I was beginning to enjoy being the dominant person in a relationship instead of being a mom-in-training. My parents had convinced me that since I didn't really cook/clean/do my own laundry/etc., I would never be a successful wife/mother/parent/homemaker. I told myself then, "Well, I'm used to a doctor's salary and I haven't found anyone else to give it to me, so I might as well make it myself." That was the end of junior year. I was even more convinced after that summer that I would never again be dependent on someone, I turned into a raging bitch female chauvinist pig: I wanted to be the boss, be in charge, be as far away from children and the "home" as possible. I spent plenty of time bashing women who were sappy, sensitive, child-friendly, romantic, etc. I wanted nothing to do with anything that I saw as too feminine of a trait. I'm still not sure I'm completely over that. I do think that it's completely reasonable for me to think that I may end up in that sort of relationship. What has changed, though, is my ability to believe that maybe, just maybe, I won't. Maybe I will be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I will have a husband who supports our family with a regular 9-5 job while I work on books, teaching, whatever it is that I want to do to bring in a little extra money on the side. And hey, if I get successful doing what it is I want to be doing, great.

This brings up some questions for me: is med school really worth it? I feel like I won't really be driven to use my medical degree if I don't have to. I mean, maybe, but I might be just as happy teaching some writing classes or picking flowers in the park or reading with and to some kids that may or may not happen to be mine. I don't know. I'm just feeling like I could go into any sort of direction right now and lack completely the drive to head down any one specific path. I'm really hoping that something just pops up out of nowhere and makes the next set of big decisions I am bound to have to make eventually a whole lot easier.

I would say I might win the lottery, but I don't even play.
Maybe it will be the social lottery. Who knows?

a return to torture

After many, many moons of me being too busy to actually get back to updating this regularly, I'm back. Largely due to the fact that I deactivated Facebook today, which was really anti-climactic. I'm really displeased with a large number of my my recent posts--almost to the point of wanting to delete some of them, but I know that isn't very authentic.

I've been working on 100 things, including my Fulbright application, my Peace Corps application, and getting back into the swing of school somewhere between orientation and recruitment counseling. I've realized, though, that I am really going to need a different kind of life style this year if I want to maintain my cerebral integrity as well as make it through here having actually gotten something done.

I've been considering a couple of possibilities, though, including dropping out of school, running for public office, and, if I don't win, going to the Agnes Scott pre-med program, largely because I just need a change of scenery. I really did like Atlanta. Everyone down there was SO super friendly. I was kind of shocked. Other than getting chased by a drug user shouting expletives based on my skin color, I felt relatively at ease there. I am not sure it would be my ideal city, but just the number of things I wanted to do and didn't get to, and the cool things I discovered while looking make me think that I could spend a year or so happily there. Plus, it's time for a change of scenery. This place is getting old.

Actually, that's a lie, I'm just getting too old for this place. I am realizing that I had one goal for college that didn't exactly work out, and it may even have been my most sincere one. I guess I just assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams (actually, upon rereading this...gag me with a spoon, seriously) sometime during undergrad and he and I would live happily ever after and I would only have to worry about a job in the context of getting to spend the rest of my life (or at least a reasonably large chunk) with someone I was in love with. I mean, right now I'm trying to figure out what to do next with my life because what I really want to be doing, I can't do without being "with" someone. I really just want to travel all over the place, but part of that is having a relatively stable, enjoyable traveling companion. That's something I just don't have right now. I guess I would enjoy traveling the road with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but the problem with that is the whole commitment/companionship thing. You've got to have that down pat before you can journey with someone and that's the hardest part of relationships for me.

I've been thinking about the military again. I am starting to think that it might be my best option because I really do need someone to whip me into shape. I need fewer options; I need to be told what to do. I feel like, for once, I need to live my life completely for something other than myself. I don't know if I could really do that in the military, but it would be better than turning into a waste of space because I am bad at making decisions.

I really wish I felt like I had some more direction.
But I am going to just breathe and let life happen.

Maybe what I need will turn up and if I'm paying attention, I'll notice.

chicken little's vanilla skies are falling

I asked someone to marry me tonight.
and they said yes.

Granted, it's a pretty non-restrictive contract in that it has no implication on immediacy or monogamy...but, actually, aren't those the best types of contracts.

Whoa.

another thought

The Great Wall of China is so large that it affects our ability to have it definitively photographed. There is not one image that defines the Great Wall. Maybe I'll work on that this summer?

this just in

Today when I opened up my amazon.com homepage in order to look up a desk that would span my bathtub so I could write in the tub, I saw a ridiculous home page (I will scan images in later, promise). It prompted a lot of thought regarding my individuality, taste levels, cultural awareness, etc.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

I fixed my bike. My hands smell like bike grease but I am glad that I labored on the product myself. I do need to fix the breaks. Maybe I will learn how.

I am very surprised there is not a desk for writing over the bathtub. I may have to make one? Ask Bryan / Brian to make one? Hmm.

Alright. Shower, clean. Crazy keg party @ my house. Again, I mean. That's twice in three days.

What?

piercing scream

today is one of those days where I have to remind myself repeatedly, again and again, my life is not determined by external factors.

but I'm taking things one step at a time.

and I'll get to the end of the day.
and hopefully have done everything that needs to get done.

It's prime list making time.

Peace out.
SA meeting to attend to.

sitting in the dark

I think I have some more ideas about some future plans.

First, I think that the way I want to do all sorts of things is to go into military medicine with special interests in nontraditional methods....maybe something similar to Full Catastrophe Living like meditation...and look into how that affects different groups of people. I have some ideas.

Also, I want to do an independent study in women's studies next semester and keep an e-journal complete with pictures, detailing the ways in which my life is affected by me being a woman....seeking out privilege and seeking out flaws...reading some theory and figuring out how what they are saying is "true" or "false" within my own life. Seems like something I could get away with, yes?

Alright, well, I am going to go turn on some lights.

hard to make cents

I always have a hard time pulling the pieces of my life back together when confronted with how insignificant my life is when compared to the enormous spectrum of things...which means, of course, that in my own life nothing is more important than my own life. It's a little confusing and a lot screwed up. The whole world.

I think I may have finally found the correct order to put all of my pieces together. As in, good for the rest of my life way of putting the pieces together. I'm pretty excited.

After I've dwelled on it for a bit, I will share.

apprehensions and prehensile utensils

So, lots of things.

Number one: I have always had apprehensions about hanging out with the Meridian kids to the extent that I don't particularly think that I fit in, partially because I don't find myself to be very elitist or pretentious when it comes to music, which from my perspective, seems like a requirement. I mean, I don't meet some of the other criteria either, like being exceptionally environmentally friendly, etc., but it was definitely the music thing that held me back from befriending them for a few years...that and they never would put me on their damn listserv. I swear I signed up like three times.

Point being, I was sitting today under a tree outside of the Muscarelle looking at another tree, tentatively identified as a weeping cherry mini tree, listening to the music on my ipod when a fantastic French rap song came on...and then I realized....sure, I listen to music mostly compulsively, and yeah, I don't know a lot of back stories to a lot of albums, and maybe even my ability to hold a decent conversation about music is fairly impeded by my inability to retain small (though potentially useful) details, like who sang a song originally and who just put out a cover, but I am, at least slightly, pretentious when it comes to music. I listen to a lot of Japanese/French language music, have a reasonably decent beginning of an album collection, and know "good music" when I hear it...or at least I know what I like which, if my taste isn't completely terrible, I would hope is good music. Maybe what has really been "holding me back" is my complete and utter denial of just how pretentious I can actually be. I realized today, "pretty damn pretentious" is the answer. Go figure.

Second: I have REALLY got to stop it with the uncomfortable honesty. It just doesn't go over very well, even with people who know and generally like me. I think I may have frightened my good and mostly darling friend away from me today by being a bit too honest about what goes on inside my head. Granted, I guess it's hard to understand if you've never been there. I used to think that I enjoyed being surrounded by mostly (relatively) stable (though certainly damaged) people because they tend to develop a better environment for me to exist in since it tends to be slightly less chaotic. Sadly, these are also the people who just don't get it when it comes to trying to understand where I'm coming from. I'm aware that it's not really that important for people to understand, but sometimes it's really nice. I'm realizing, though, that when I can't connect with the people around me, I spend a lot of time trying to "dumb down" (although this isn't the appropriate term since attempting to change the way you present your ideas to people oftentimes has very little to do with whether or not you are left with the same intelligent content) what I'm thinking and it often feels like a waste of time. Trading stability for stimulation would be ideal...but it has been making me question what type of life I ideally want which brings me to...

Lastly: What do I want out of life?
I've been frustrated with this question for a while now. I've been unable to come up with a satisfying answer, so I've been stalling--that's what a fifth year is, after all--but I am not feeling any closer to a reasonable answer. I know that I could easily become a professional. I could go to med school or grad school or whatever school, maybe even just get a job, and be just fine. Professionalism is stable. I'd have a crisp, clean, white-collar life in which I would probably be repetitively doing the same or similar things within my career field. On the other hand, I could completely throw it all away and do something absolutely crazy. I could abandon the "safety net" that my parents have so kindly provided for me, but which often makes me feel more confined than safe and seems to be holding me back rather than letting me actually choose for myself what comes next in life.

I say "could" because I don't think I will. I want, desperately, to live the sort of life that I think (probably falsely) is tied more closely to freedom (from a lot of things) than anything I have experienced in my life thus far, but I can't imagine a set of circumstances that would actually place me in the position to make the choice. I am, regrettably, stuck in the system. I would like to think that by some passive act of nature and fate, I may organically be driven to live unencumbered in the woods for a year, but as Jeff reminded me today, a big part of life is actually actively making choices. Most things don't "just happen"...although the jury is still out on whether that statement is "truth" or just one way of looking at things....one personal philosophy versus another....I think, though, that even if I could make the choice....I wouldn't...I'm a little afraid of what might happen.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from professionalism and stability, I imagine a world full of self-reliance and possibly, depending on how I play my cards, a large amount of stimulation. Stimulation tends to, when there's enough of it, drive me a little crazy. I am certain that a world full of stimulation, surprise, and adventure would be more fun than monotony, but I'm terrified of it.

The real question is, what is the next step....now that I've put everything out there and acknowledged it?

naked

I feel today almost as if I have been stripped of my identity. I'm down one best friend. Down my ipod. Down my belief that I'm doing fairly well in school this semester (don't even get me started there). I mean, sure, these things don't make me who I am but they certainly add to what I believe about myself and dedicate my time to. Maybe that's, overall, a sad thing. I mean, your closest friends like you for who you are, so when you lose them, does that mean that you are no longer who you are but someone else? That's kind of how I'm feeling. What sort of monster have I become? Also, whenever I dye my hair it takes at least 2 weeks for all of my old friends to figure out how to recognize me with my new hair color and since this one is particularly ridiculous and drastic, I'm saying it is going to be at least 3 weeks. Hurray for that, I guess.

So, the webcomic I discovered through a post by Emma on Bryan's facebook wall (I hate the Internet) has been comforting. It's great to know that there are people out there who think along similar lines as I do, at least from time to time. It may be true that those people are geniuses and I am not, but that's beside the point. I think this one was my favorite. Especially because it is SO true. Recently, with all the writing, sleeping, reading, etc. I've been doing, I've been having a pretty hard time keeping track of what is "real" and what is "read" and what is "dreamed." All of my realities, because believe me, I invest as much belief into what happens in books and writing as I often do into my own life, have been blurring together. Not to mention the influence that the lack of sleep or use of alcohol has on the jumbling. I dreamed on two consecutive nights about the same incident that has, I'll admit, been bothering me. In the first of the dreams it went as poorly as possible. In the second of the dreams it went as well as possible. When I awoke the second morning I realized that neither event had happened and neither probably would. Still, I was faced with the feeling of closure immediately prior to that realization and REALLY wanted to hold on to it. Maybe that's what dreams do...look to offer us some closure for the things that really never end, change, get better, etc. Closure is important. It's part of moving on, making the ends of my torn heart, mind, body, etc. meet, and finishing the "chapter" or "book," so to speak in order for me to file it away in my mental library without thinking that I need to be doing a little more work on it. I am constantly trying to find closure...maybe if I could invest a little more faith in my dreams, they'd do it for me. Wouldn't that be nice?

Just last night I was talking to a high school friend about the way people come and go in our lives. We both agreed that you never realize what a big part of your life a person is until they're gone. Also, you are unlikely to realize the many ways that one person has come to be involved until you come upon the holes they leave. I hate that part of friendship. I am always really reluctant to make real friends just because of that fact. Once you commit yourself to friendship, you are agreeing to lose a part of yourself forever if that friendship fails. You are agreeing to the possibility that you will become irreparable broken. You are taking the risk of creating a part of your life that will never feel right without the other person still being a part of it. For me, that's the scariest. Sure, the good times "are worth it." But the blackness of losing it is pretty god damned dark and I tend to slip into that darkness just a little too far. I know, in the long run, I am thankful for all of the super close friends I've had. I would say there are fewer than 20 of them, total, throughout the course of my life. I only know where some of them are, so if that factors in, there are probably 10 that I am still going to be in touch with in 5 years (if that many). Even then, if each of them only has a small percentage of me, let's say 1%, that's at least 10% of me that is forever missing. 20% if you recognize that my belief that I'm going to stay in touch with these people is at least slightly biased on the fact that I will want to try...but seem to have a problem with being a good friend in return.

Man, fuck it. I'm not giving up, but I may rethink this whole thing before endeavoring to make any more sudden movements when it comes to the friends I have.

Also, super sweet: I didn't make any spelling errors in this entire rant minus a few slang words. I suck at spelling, generally, but apparently, at least today, I rock at fixing my mistakes without a spellchecker!

my cat sat on a flowerpot

I came home today to find my new plant, a really nice flower, flattened. At first I was devestated because I was sure that I had killed my plant. For me, killing something is terrifying since it implies that I may never be able to successfully nurture. Most women, I've learned are Feelers and not Thinkers. I am a thinker which is often translated as "bitch," or "cold." It makes me worry that any efforts I have as a parent will be inadequate....unless, of course, I find a male feeler...anyways, to make a long story short, I finally realized that I hadn't killed my plant. My cat killed my plant...or at least made a good attempt. If I hadn't gotten there when I did, it's pretty clear that plant would have had to get put into the trash....as it is, I salvaged it, I think.

The truth is, I like being domestic. I like turning things on and off, running a bath, doing chores. I would be content to hang out in my apartment and do these things all day. Sadly, I'm the type of person that really does believe, at least to some extent, that I'll be better off with a college degree from a prestigious university. Thus, here I am, getting that degree. Really though, I feel like I probably learn much more on my own...which makes me wonder why I've really decided to subject myself to approximately 10 more years of this. I really don't think it's a great idea, but alas, here I go.

I often wonder why I check people's away messages so often...and I think I may have figured it out. Obviously, other than the fact that I get lonely sometimes, I am really not looking to see what they're doing....I think that I'm hoping to discover some sort of secret wisdom in their away messages and profile quotes. It would be way better to read a book, but now that time moves so quickly, it's impossible (alright, difficult) to find enough free time. Here's my thought process:

Everything moves more quickly now specifically since the creation of the Internet.
When I want to talk to someone in writing, I don't write a letter, I text/IM/facebook message them. Sure, the phone is, I guess, the intermediate between snail mail and electronic communication, but I think the telephone falls in a different realm of communication altogether. The phone made more accessible those "face to face" conversations you need to have with someone in order to be able to hear their tone and inflection. So, rather than driving to see them, you can call them....so I guess there are steps pushing our interactions towards rapidity on both planes....the quickness of communication makes everything else travel a little more quickly too. Sometimes, I think, even the speed at which we are expected to work, now that we're doing everything in word processors rather than on a typewriter or by hand, has increased. Electricity and the 24/7 availability of the Internet means that my "work day" sometimes lasts from 7 AM- 2 AM. Yes, I realize that's only 5 hours of sleep. I am, after all, in college. During this work day, I ought to be, of course, working. This means looking things up, reading for class, writing papers, contributing to my community in a meaningful way, etc. Any time that I do have "available" is generally spent responding to electronic messages since I am not expected to recieve and respond to mail once per day as with snail mail, but instead multiple times. If I recieve an e-mail in the morning, I am expected to respond by noon. If I recieve a response by 3, I should respond by dinner time and expect an answer by 9ish. Of course, depending on whether the correspondent is a professor or another student, this back and forth may continue until 2 in the morning. In fact, without my multiple responses, some people would worry that they were being ignored and their words were going unheard. Also, because the Internet makes us available to everyone at all times, the group of friends with which we are, to an extent, expected to stay in contact expands exponentially. Even though these are "social obligations," they are still obligations....unlike pleasure listening or reading or napping, etc. All of these things together make me want to:

move to a cabin in the woods near a lake
have electricity since I really do believe it's useful and I like to be awake at nighttime
own an Internet-less computer (yeah....I can't do away with the word processor)
have a great library
and go into town 1-3 times a week

Honestly, the only deterrent is that I don't want to be doing this all alone.

Although I'm starting to think that I could do this alone.

"I am a rock. I am an island.
I have my books and my poetry
to protect me." -Simon & Garfunkel