spare change

I am usually sad when I go to read my favorite weblogs and they've not been updated in a while, so when, today, none of them had been, I decided to update my own instead. Not quite as good, but almost and it will have to do.

I just got back to the gym. I've been running at least a mile every day. Today, though, is laundry day and I didn't have a sports bra. Note to self: next time just wear a dirty sports bra. I couldn't even run fast because my boobs were bouncing all over the place.

Ah, femininity.

It's Friday. Friday's are my days. I really had hoped to be super productive, but I wasn't really. I did do some laundry, which was desperately needed, and cleaned my house a little. It needs to be cleaner, but one step at a time will have to be the going rate.

I did listen to some new albums, though. Who knew that I had Bob Dylan's greatest hits on vinyl. I completely forgot! I am kind of sad that I won't be able to take my records with me next year. They kind of rock my life and it won't feel the same without them. On the other hand, I'll probably be in a much smaller room. Actually, now that I'm in, I might go looking for more information about my potential colleges.

OH, by the way (ps) for those of you who don't know...I got into Oxford (yes, in England) for Graduate School in Women's Studies. I am ecstatic. Really.

word to the wise...

I have only pulled three all-nighters so far this year and all three have been for non academic related reasons. Applications don't really count as school work.

I'm on the tail end of my all nighter right now. I've been up since class on Monday morning and I will be up at least until Valeria gets all of her stuff moved in to my apartment tonight. I'm getting a housemate and an extra cat at least until her apartment gets inspected. I think that the company will be nice and from what I understand it's just for tonight, but I definitely don't have my apartment in any condition to receive guests. I also know Jeff will probably want to sleep over on Friday so I hope that I don't end up with too many housemates! I just realized and by just I mean right now realized that I was going camping this weekend. If Jeff is coming, there's no way I can actually go. I wouldn't miss him coming into town for the entire world, hiking or not. I am sure that it will be worth it.

In other news, I really have been happy with the way life has been going recently but I hope that I don't end up overextending myself in the wrong directions. I mean that on a variety of levels. On the plus side, there are a lot of really cool people who have recently come into my life and new fun people are always a positive thing. On the other hand, I've been getting a lot done in my one-on-one time with myself and I really hope that I can keep it up at least for a little bit longer. Another week or two of being really productive and I will be on the top of the world.

Speaking of the world, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do for Fall break. I'm considering driving up and spending time with Miranda but I would only want to go if I had some company on the road. Finding people to go and do things with me is always the hard part. I know mom won't let me drive all the way up there by myself. You know how moms can be. Maybe I'll convince someone to come with me. Someone delicious who will enjoy Miranda and Brown.

a return to torture

After many, many moons of me being too busy to actually get back to updating this regularly, I'm back. Largely due to the fact that I deactivated Facebook today, which was really anti-climactic. I'm really displeased with a large number of my my recent posts--almost to the point of wanting to delete some of them, but I know that isn't very authentic.

I've been working on 100 things, including my Fulbright application, my Peace Corps application, and getting back into the swing of school somewhere between orientation and recruitment counseling. I've realized, though, that I am really going to need a different kind of life style this year if I want to maintain my cerebral integrity as well as make it through here having actually gotten something done.

I've been considering a couple of possibilities, though, including dropping out of school, running for public office, and, if I don't win, going to the Agnes Scott pre-med program, largely because I just need a change of scenery. I really did like Atlanta. Everyone down there was SO super friendly. I was kind of shocked. Other than getting chased by a drug user shouting expletives based on my skin color, I felt relatively at ease there. I am not sure it would be my ideal city, but just the number of things I wanted to do and didn't get to, and the cool things I discovered while looking make me think that I could spend a year or so happily there. Plus, it's time for a change of scenery. This place is getting old.

Actually, that's a lie, I'm just getting too old for this place. I am realizing that I had one goal for college that didn't exactly work out, and it may even have been my most sincere one. I guess I just assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams (actually, upon rereading this...gag me with a spoon, seriously) sometime during undergrad and he and I would live happily ever after and I would only have to worry about a job in the context of getting to spend the rest of my life (or at least a reasonably large chunk) with someone I was in love with. I mean, right now I'm trying to figure out what to do next with my life because what I really want to be doing, I can't do without being "with" someone. I really just want to travel all over the place, but part of that is having a relatively stable, enjoyable traveling companion. That's something I just don't have right now. I guess I would enjoy traveling the road with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but the problem with that is the whole commitment/companionship thing. You've got to have that down pat before you can journey with someone and that's the hardest part of relationships for me.

I've been thinking about the military again. I am starting to think that it might be my best option because I really do need someone to whip me into shape. I need fewer options; I need to be told what to do. I feel like, for once, I need to live my life completely for something other than myself. I don't know if I could really do that in the military, but it would be better than turning into a waste of space because I am bad at making decisions.

I really wish I felt like I had some more direction.
But I am going to just breathe and let life happen.

Maybe what I need will turn up and if I'm paying attention, I'll notice.

another thought

The Great Wall of China is so large that it affects our ability to have it definitively photographed. There is not one image that defines the Great Wall. Maybe I'll work on that this summer?

because my fingers are moving

I live in filth and revel in infamy.
If it's an important weekend, guaranteed I have my period.
I don't know the word tact, and I cross the line at least once every 12 hours.
I surround myself with people who are as screwed up on the inside as I am.
They just don't all know it yet.
But the best ones do.

I love pirates and postcards and practically anything that starts with the letter p except perhaps penis, since I prefer other words like cock and dick. Penis just sounds so polite.

I hate waking up in the morning, but love going to bed because it's warm and snuggly. I thrive on fog as long as it's pretty and light rain as long as the sun in shining. Take me to any body of water, I will make myself happy.

I re-evaluate my life on a daily basis and find out that usually I'm just treading water until I actually get it right and decide what I want to do.

Science excites me.

Traveling is the root of all good and all evil for me-- I can't get enough, but I never seem to enjoy it enough while I'm there. Being abroad is a smattering of memories, and I can't hold on to any of them.

I update sporadically, and I don't really care because this is just one way I file myself down when I'm feeling rough around the edges.

I write poetry and prefer parsnips to french fries when I'm eating a steak. I like blue cheese on top, but not by itself. My favorite meal involves mashed potatoes and meat, and I would be completely content to live off of those two things for the rest of my life, as long as you throw in a vegetable.

I love run-on sentences and write train of thought and left a lot of my heart in the south, even though I never want to be considered southern. But I do say "heaven forbid."

I am adept at understanding any rapid sort of lyric from my early obsession with beat poetry and my dedication to having a functional relationship with the English language in all of it's forms. Screamo, however, is often too much for me to decipher.

About half of the time I feel so full of life I want to explode, and the other half I feel so completely drained that even sleep takes effort. I hate and love medicine because I love the quick fix, but hate the stigma.

I hate being a woman because I hate most women and a lot of the things that we (I will include myself) feel is necessary in life. We judge and mean it, we gossip and don't mean it, and we take anything anyone else says regarding ourselves way too seriously. I mean, really, boys talk about each other all of the time, and it's endearing. What sorts of social lessons are women missing out on that makes us somewhat non-functional beings from time to time?

But I would hate to be a man because they are, largely, completely devoid of sexual power. And I may never be a CEO, but I do know how to use the fact that I'm a woman to get my way.

I like crying at the end of bad movies. I love foreign films. Video games are a part of my daily ritual. I am self-assured, but accused of being selfish. I truly don't care a lot for other people, but only because, in general, they are not much concerned with me. When I have a real friend, I get upset at every tiny bit of frustration they have and only want to fix things to make them better.

I have a love/hate relationship with the idea of becoming a parent, but I am almost certain it's inevitable.

I can not see myself in ten or twenty years.

But I look happy when I'm eighty and talking to a man with large ears.