spare change

I am usually sad when I go to read my favorite weblogs and they've not been updated in a while, so when, today, none of them had been, I decided to update my own instead. Not quite as good, but almost and it will have to do.

I just got back to the gym. I've been running at least a mile every day. Today, though, is laundry day and I didn't have a sports bra. Note to self: next time just wear a dirty sports bra. I couldn't even run fast because my boobs were bouncing all over the place.

Ah, femininity.

It's Friday. Friday's are my days. I really had hoped to be super productive, but I wasn't really. I did do some laundry, which was desperately needed, and cleaned my house a little. It needs to be cleaner, but one step at a time will have to be the going rate.

I did listen to some new albums, though. Who knew that I had Bob Dylan's greatest hits on vinyl. I completely forgot! I am kind of sad that I won't be able to take my records with me next year. They kind of rock my life and it won't feel the same without them. On the other hand, I'll probably be in a much smaller room. Actually, now that I'm in, I might go looking for more information about my potential colleges.

OH, by the way (ps) for those of you who don't know...I got into Oxford (yes, in England) for Graduate School in Women's Studies. I am ecstatic. Really.

so much more than this

There is so much going on in my head that I have been unable to translate into any sort of useful product either for class or for this blog. I have gotten to that place at the end of the semester where my mind is stretched so completely in eight different directions that it's almost a contest to see which section of me will completely collapse first. I apologize for nothing making sense, but just go with it for now. I will try to fix it later.

this just in

Today when I opened up my amazon.com homepage in order to look up a desk that would span my bathtub so I could write in the tub, I saw a ridiculous home page (I will scan images in later, promise). It prompted a lot of thought regarding my individuality, taste levels, cultural awareness, etc.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

I fixed my bike. My hands smell like bike grease but I am glad that I labored on the product myself. I do need to fix the breaks. Maybe I will learn how.

I am very surprised there is not a desk for writing over the bathtub. I may have to make one? Ask Bryan / Brian to make one? Hmm.

Alright. Shower, clean. Crazy keg party @ my house. Again, I mean. That's twice in three days.

What?

"blowout"

It is that lovely last day of classes also known as blowout. I need to post later to figure out what I did well this year and what I screwed up tragically, but right now I am studying for a test that I had put off studying for until now. It is in two and a half hours which is, in the great scheme of things, far too soon for me to do well. Alas.

distant galaxy update

I feel like it has been a while since I've actually sat down to this thing just to type and not to say something really specific.

I guess it's because I have been super busy with work and I feel like the last few days, maybe even since I first got sick last Thursday, have been a blur.

**Note: I just replaced the elipses I had placed around the clause in the middle of the above sentence with commas because I hate the way that technology degrades our language.

Right now I am running myself a bath and sitting down to plan the rest of the week before I call it a night. The fact that I can do that is marvelous!

I've been so sick that I've been in bed for a large amount of the time the last few days. I have gotten up to go and do important things, but I'm starting to feel a little lazy. Actually, I think I'm going to go work on a paper for finals instead of sitting here and doing nothing. I know it's kind of beside the point that I made earlier that I would relax....but when motivation strikes, you have to take it.

piercing scream

today is one of those days where I have to remind myself repeatedly, again and again, my life is not determined by external factors.

but I'm taking things one step at a time.

and I'll get to the end of the day.
and hopefully have done everything that needs to get done.

It's prime list making time.

Peace out.
SA meeting to attend to.

sitting in the dark

I think I have some more ideas about some future plans.

First, I think that the way I want to do all sorts of things is to go into military medicine with special interests in nontraditional methods....maybe something similar to Full Catastrophe Living like meditation...and look into how that affects different groups of people. I have some ideas.

Also, I want to do an independent study in women's studies next semester and keep an e-journal complete with pictures, detailing the ways in which my life is affected by me being a woman....seeking out privilege and seeking out flaws...reading some theory and figuring out how what they are saying is "true" or "false" within my own life. Seems like something I could get away with, yes?

Alright, well, I am going to go turn on some lights.

sleepy time t

I watched Rushmore tonight with Valeria, etc. It was REALLY good. I realized that I have got to keep getting good movies in the mail and actually watching them. I stopped doing this for a while earlier this semester and it meant that I never really thought about film but I really like film--well made films are beautiful to watch and have plenty of witty banter upon which to dwell. That is why I must keep watching them.

I cleaned tonight. Organizational, almost compulsive cleaning. I did the same thing last night when I watched Prince of Egypt with Jeff. I guess that's what "keeping house" is...being obsessed with things being in their place to the point that I sometimes waste time doing it. Although I wouldn't say a clean space is a waste of time.

*Yawn* I stayed up way past my bedtime tonight getting work done. I realized that I pretty much have at least one major thing to do or that is due every single day for the rest of the semester. Yikes! I also have a final paper due on Friday that I'm just not sure I can do. I wasn't really paying attention to how soon it was due. I haven't asked for an extension for anything all semester...so I really hope that I can get one, but I still always hate to ask. Maybe my professor will let me write on Fight Club the film rather than Fight Club the book, which would make it way easier.

Also, I was listening to Gregorian Chants on album while writing this post. It was PRETTY ridiculous.

i of the tyger

eI, again, did not accomplish half of the things I needed to get done. I skipped classes to do them, and instead went back to sleep which was rewarding but not that enlightening. Also, it did not make my space any cleaner.

Now it is 12:40 and if I want to get to my 1:00 class on time ish, which I do, I have to neglect my duties in order to focus on my personal appearance for 20 minutes. It's 4/20 and a Friday. I want as many things about my body to be ridiculous as possible.

Alright, that might be stretching it a little bit.

I wonder how many people read this and think they know me but don't tell me they read it. I only read about four peoples livejournal/blogs religiously, and only snoop onto others when it seems inevitable...in which case I generally don't go back to keep reading them. Mine, however, is linked in my Facebook profile which is an expanding world of anonymity...a place where you, to quote MTV..."think you know but you have no idea."

12:42. My ability to look ridiculous has already been impeded. Must go.

Addition: Upon going back and actually linking, I realized that I only read about 3 people's blogs religiously. The fourth one would be mine which I do actually reread about as often as I post. Well, something like that.

happy endings

I couldn't really be more pleased with the way today and yesterday went.

Of the 110 things I needed to get done around the house, I think I accomplished like 35, which is a lot. Laundry, watering plants (the inside ones, obviously with all this rain!), dishes, coffee, trash, recycling, kitty, fridge, more kitty, more laundry, and more trash. That's not 35, but believe me when I say that I feel just as productive.

I am feeling alright about Chemistry...which, actually, is better than feeling confident, since I'm sure I will actually pay attention to what I'm doing rather than feeling cocky or whatnot.

I watched a fabulous movie and took a three hour nap instead of stressing out.

I danced a lot and had fun on Saturday with two of my favorites and said some pretty sentimental things to people who will appreciate them.

My only regret is that there are some people that I just can't read. And sometimes I get frustrated because I really, and I mean really, like to know what's going on.

My cat is going insane. I'm going to bed.

naked

I feel today almost as if I have been stripped of my identity. I'm down one best friend. Down my ipod. Down my belief that I'm doing fairly well in school this semester (don't even get me started there). I mean, sure, these things don't make me who I am but they certainly add to what I believe about myself and dedicate my time to. Maybe that's, overall, a sad thing. I mean, your closest friends like you for who you are, so when you lose them, does that mean that you are no longer who you are but someone else? That's kind of how I'm feeling. What sort of monster have I become? Also, whenever I dye my hair it takes at least 2 weeks for all of my old friends to figure out how to recognize me with my new hair color and since this one is particularly ridiculous and drastic, I'm saying it is going to be at least 3 weeks. Hurray for that, I guess.

So, the webcomic I discovered through a post by Emma on Bryan's facebook wall (I hate the Internet) has been comforting. It's great to know that there are people out there who think along similar lines as I do, at least from time to time. It may be true that those people are geniuses and I am not, but that's beside the point. I think this one was my favorite. Especially because it is SO true. Recently, with all the writing, sleeping, reading, etc. I've been doing, I've been having a pretty hard time keeping track of what is "real" and what is "read" and what is "dreamed." All of my realities, because believe me, I invest as much belief into what happens in books and writing as I often do into my own life, have been blurring together. Not to mention the influence that the lack of sleep or use of alcohol has on the jumbling. I dreamed on two consecutive nights about the same incident that has, I'll admit, been bothering me. In the first of the dreams it went as poorly as possible. In the second of the dreams it went as well as possible. When I awoke the second morning I realized that neither event had happened and neither probably would. Still, I was faced with the feeling of closure immediately prior to that realization and REALLY wanted to hold on to it. Maybe that's what dreams do...look to offer us some closure for the things that really never end, change, get better, etc. Closure is important. It's part of moving on, making the ends of my torn heart, mind, body, etc. meet, and finishing the "chapter" or "book," so to speak in order for me to file it away in my mental library without thinking that I need to be doing a little more work on it. I am constantly trying to find closure...maybe if I could invest a little more faith in my dreams, they'd do it for me. Wouldn't that be nice?

Just last night I was talking to a high school friend about the way people come and go in our lives. We both agreed that you never realize what a big part of your life a person is until they're gone. Also, you are unlikely to realize the many ways that one person has come to be involved until you come upon the holes they leave. I hate that part of friendship. I am always really reluctant to make real friends just because of that fact. Once you commit yourself to friendship, you are agreeing to lose a part of yourself forever if that friendship fails. You are agreeing to the possibility that you will become irreparable broken. You are taking the risk of creating a part of your life that will never feel right without the other person still being a part of it. For me, that's the scariest. Sure, the good times "are worth it." But the blackness of losing it is pretty god damned dark and I tend to slip into that darkness just a little too far. I know, in the long run, I am thankful for all of the super close friends I've had. I would say there are fewer than 20 of them, total, throughout the course of my life. I only know where some of them are, so if that factors in, there are probably 10 that I am still going to be in touch with in 5 years (if that many). Even then, if each of them only has a small percentage of me, let's say 1%, that's at least 10% of me that is forever missing. 20% if you recognize that my belief that I'm going to stay in touch with these people is at least slightly biased on the fact that I will want to try...but seem to have a problem with being a good friend in return.

Man, fuck it. I'm not giving up, but I may rethink this whole thing before endeavoring to make any more sudden movements when it comes to the friends I have.

Also, super sweet: I didn't make any spelling errors in this entire rant minus a few slang words. I suck at spelling, generally, but apparently, at least today, I rock at fixing my mistakes without a spellchecker!

five minutes of library paranoia rambling.

Sometimes I want to retreat into the life going on inside of my head and completely forget about everyone around me.

I really hate other people sometimes. I know hate is a strong word....and I know that anyone who knows me knows that I only very rarely allow this "hate" to escape into my daily life....but sometimes I can tell.

Today I am feeling extremely aggressive. I guarantee it's because we are in that lovely week that falls between Valentine's Day and my birthday, notably the most awful week of every other year of my adult life that I've participated in so far.

How do I feel this year? Like I want to retreat into a small space in my apartment, read 4 Harry Potter books, finish at least 2 significant books that I've been reading, scribble things into a journal, and wait for someone to notice that I've been missing for a few days.

But I, being a responsible "good kid" have classes, committments, and meetings that I am too lame to skip. I tried the whole "giving up" thing last semester. For two weeks I did absolutely nothing I was supposed to. Honestly, I felt motivationless, purposeless, and helpless.

I know that I wish that I wasn't motivated by all the "stupid" school shit I have to do sometimes....but I guess some motivation in some direction is better than being a stagnant pond of sloth.

The ideal would be doing without thinking....and thinking because it's fun....but somehow when I shut my body down, my mind soon follows.

Today I want to embrace something really good in life.
I may start with distillation. : )

Time to Deconstruct

mood: useless

I barely understand how I'm feeling right now. Every time I see a girl on campus with long, blonde hair, it's Miranda.

Everything else I really want to talk about is something I'm not allowed to say. I feel like I shouldn't keep talking about it. But I want to cry, constantly

It's midterms and I feel so alone and purposeless now that I'm done for the week. Work really may be the only thing that gets me through.

I hate being so fucking dramatic.

Currently Reading: Oryx and Crake