and so...

I put adsense on this blog because I thought it could be a pretty sweet way to make a bit of money, and they say they're going to use advertisements that are relevant to your blog, so I was eager to see what the first one I had on mine would be. I was a little dismayed when I saw it was for baby clothes. And actually, since I just typed that, probably it will mean that it will be even more likely to be about baby clothes again, but I was a little horrified.

I'm not a mother. I'm not married. Hell, I'm not even dating anyone, so what sense do baby clothes make to me?

I guess I do talk about femininity and motherhood a lot because it's terrifying, but I guess it just goes to show that these bots that try to determine everything about you don't really always work.

Oh well, I'll just have to start saying random things like: sex toys, kittens, bicycles, gym equipment, textbooks, etc. to see if I can get it to change. Stay tuned for further detail.

up too early

So strange for me to be up before 10 when I don't have any reason to be whatsoever. And I can't put my finger on anything. I went to bed late(ish) so certainly I'm not well rested. My only guess is that a) the sun is coming up a little earlier and b) there's someone sawing something loudly next door. Although, to be fair, that's been happening for the last two years, so nothing new there.

So, what did I do with my first hour of glorious awakeness? Well, I looked at all of Oxford's statistics, checked e-mail about 100 times, and played on facebook. The moral of the story is that I would have been better served, probably, by staying asleep. I'm a little confused, seriously, why that didn't happen.

All I know is that I'll probably need a nap later. Kind of boo.

And I really wish that I had spent that hour more meaningfully because I won't ever get it back and because I will probably do all those other useless things 300 times today, again. Alas.

But, whatever, I should be celebrating because I have nothing to do on Mondays and get to languish in bed for hours at a time doing worthless, trivial things that have nothing at all to do with anything. Sometimes it's great to be a fourth semester senior.

In other news: there isn't really any. My life is full, certainly, but not of the type of thing that usually finds its way to these pages. I realized that I usually post about the downsides...the negatives...the things I'm so frustrated about I feel like I can't actually share them with a real person. Since I've got none of those things to complain about, I have just been making random "aaaah" postings. While I'm sure these posts are fun for me to write, they don't really add much substance or demonstrate much of the joy and complexity of life to others. Suffice it to say that I feel like I should be writing about substantive things instead of nothing. I'll try, but I'm not saying everything.

I feel like, sometimes, the most worthwhile things in life are the ones we hold so close to our heart that we don't share them with people as a mass, just with the one or two other people to which they matter. I think that might be best about 98% of the time. The other 2% I feel like is what I should be writing about. I think the whole point of writing is to share beauty, splendor, wonder, and happiness with others. Especially once I've gotten some of it. These things, though, can be so elusive. And right now the things that make me smile are connected to things that are mine alone, so I'm going to take them, run with them (possibly even literally), and let you know when myself and things come crashing down. Hopefully, though, it will be laughing in the grass instead of sobbing on the pavement, but I still think either is worth a journey full of meaning, exchange, and growth.

All endings are happy if you believe in the power of the story that brought you there.

And right now, I do.

a return to torture

After many, many moons of me being too busy to actually get back to updating this regularly, I'm back. Largely due to the fact that I deactivated Facebook today, which was really anti-climactic. I'm really displeased with a large number of my my recent posts--almost to the point of wanting to delete some of them, but I know that isn't very authentic.

I've been working on 100 things, including my Fulbright application, my Peace Corps application, and getting back into the swing of school somewhere between orientation and recruitment counseling. I've realized, though, that I am really going to need a different kind of life style this year if I want to maintain my cerebral integrity as well as make it through here having actually gotten something done.

I've been considering a couple of possibilities, though, including dropping out of school, running for public office, and, if I don't win, going to the Agnes Scott pre-med program, largely because I just need a change of scenery. I really did like Atlanta. Everyone down there was SO super friendly. I was kind of shocked. Other than getting chased by a drug user shouting expletives based on my skin color, I felt relatively at ease there. I am not sure it would be my ideal city, but just the number of things I wanted to do and didn't get to, and the cool things I discovered while looking make me think that I could spend a year or so happily there. Plus, it's time for a change of scenery. This place is getting old.

Actually, that's a lie, I'm just getting too old for this place. I am realizing that I had one goal for college that didn't exactly work out, and it may even have been my most sincere one. I guess I just assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams (actually, upon rereading this...gag me with a spoon, seriously) sometime during undergrad and he and I would live happily ever after and I would only have to worry about a job in the context of getting to spend the rest of my life (or at least a reasonably large chunk) with someone I was in love with. I mean, right now I'm trying to figure out what to do next with my life because what I really want to be doing, I can't do without being "with" someone. I really just want to travel all over the place, but part of that is having a relatively stable, enjoyable traveling companion. That's something I just don't have right now. I guess I would enjoy traveling the road with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but the problem with that is the whole commitment/companionship thing. You've got to have that down pat before you can journey with someone and that's the hardest part of relationships for me.

I've been thinking about the military again. I am starting to think that it might be my best option because I really do need someone to whip me into shape. I need fewer options; I need to be told what to do. I feel like, for once, I need to live my life completely for something other than myself. I don't know if I could really do that in the military, but it would be better than turning into a waste of space because I am bad at making decisions.

I really wish I felt like I had some more direction.
But I am going to just breathe and let life happen.

Maybe what I need will turn up and if I'm paying attention, I'll notice.

so much more than this

There is so much going on in my head that I have been unable to translate into any sort of useful product either for class or for this blog. I have gotten to that place at the end of the semester where my mind is stretched so completely in eight different directions that it's almost a contest to see which section of me will completely collapse first. I apologize for nothing making sense, but just go with it for now. I will try to fix it later.

this just in

Today when I opened up my amazon.com homepage in order to look up a desk that would span my bathtub so I could write in the tub, I saw a ridiculous home page (I will scan images in later, promise). It prompted a lot of thought regarding my individuality, taste levels, cultural awareness, etc.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

I fixed my bike. My hands smell like bike grease but I am glad that I labored on the product myself. I do need to fix the breaks. Maybe I will learn how.

I am very surprised there is not a desk for writing over the bathtub. I may have to make one? Ask Bryan / Brian to make one? Hmm.

Alright. Shower, clean. Crazy keg party @ my house. Again, I mean. That's twice in three days.

What?

"blowout"

It is that lovely last day of classes also known as blowout. I need to post later to figure out what I did well this year and what I screwed up tragically, but right now I am studying for a test that I had put off studying for until now. It is in two and a half hours which is, in the great scheme of things, far too soon for me to do well. Alas.

distant galaxy update

I feel like it has been a while since I've actually sat down to this thing just to type and not to say something really specific.

I guess it's because I have been super busy with work and I feel like the last few days, maybe even since I first got sick last Thursday, have been a blur.

**Note: I just replaced the elipses I had placed around the clause in the middle of the above sentence with commas because I hate the way that technology degrades our language.

Right now I am running myself a bath and sitting down to plan the rest of the week before I call it a night. The fact that I can do that is marvelous!

I've been so sick that I've been in bed for a large amount of the time the last few days. I have gotten up to go and do important things, but I'm starting to feel a little lazy. Actually, I think I'm going to go work on a paper for finals instead of sitting here and doing nothing. I know it's kind of beside the point that I made earlier that I would relax....but when motivation strikes, you have to take it.

3:30 slump

I could not decide what to do at 3:30 this afternoon. An hour later, I have updated my blog in a way that I think is complimentary to what I wish I were getting out of it more often. Yesterday was such a full day. I wish it could have gone on forever but, of course, it didn't. For what it's worth, I think it may have been one of the more interesting days so far this year, although I've been having an awful lot of those recently. I won't get into details, but I met some super sweet people (also see picture) who played some fantastic music and were generally good company.

I can't really focus on telling you anything more this post, since I'm more concerned with other things....like continuing to update the way I run this blog...maybe even go back and label some of my other posts. I mean, it's mostly just for me, but why not do what I can with what I can.

I wish I knew HTML better....it would be a huge help.

I also wish that putting ideas on paper could happen spontaneously without my investment of time in them.

i of the tyger

eI, again, did not accomplish half of the things I needed to get done. I skipped classes to do them, and instead went back to sleep which was rewarding but not that enlightening. Also, it did not make my space any cleaner.

Now it is 12:40 and if I want to get to my 1:00 class on time ish, which I do, I have to neglect my duties in order to focus on my personal appearance for 20 minutes. It's 4/20 and a Friday. I want as many things about my body to be ridiculous as possible.

Alright, that might be stretching it a little bit.

I wonder how many people read this and think they know me but don't tell me they read it. I only read about four peoples livejournal/blogs religiously, and only snoop onto others when it seems inevitable...in which case I generally don't go back to keep reading them. Mine, however, is linked in my Facebook profile which is an expanding world of anonymity...a place where you, to quote MTV..."think you know but you have no idea."

12:42. My ability to look ridiculous has already been impeded. Must go.

Addition: Upon going back and actually linking, I realized that I only read about 3 people's blogs religiously. The fourth one would be mine which I do actually reread about as often as I post. Well, something like that.

printing

I smell like cumin, incense, and indecision.

So, I've been trying to get a firm grasp on whether or not I'm emotionally doing alright right now...part of that process is being able to look back and get a good feel for how I've been expressing myself and whether or not it has been generally healthy. One big problem. Sometime in between the time that I had just gotten back from Japan and now I stopped posting for a good 8 months. During this 8 month period of time, a lot of things happened. I have some journal writings from Europe which I guess I could put up....if I really wanted to search back through them, which might not be a bad idea...but I'm not sure if they're the type of writing that I need to be looking at to figure myself out.

I just want to make sure that I'm moving in the right direction.
It's hardly ever as easy as it seems...

because my fingers are moving

I live in filth and revel in infamy.
If it's an important weekend, guaranteed I have my period.
I don't know the word tact, and I cross the line at least once every 12 hours.
I surround myself with people who are as screwed up on the inside as I am.
They just don't all know it yet.
But the best ones do.

I love pirates and postcards and practically anything that starts with the letter p except perhaps penis, since I prefer other words like cock and dick. Penis just sounds so polite.

I hate waking up in the morning, but love going to bed because it's warm and snuggly. I thrive on fog as long as it's pretty and light rain as long as the sun in shining. Take me to any body of water, I will make myself happy.

I re-evaluate my life on a daily basis and find out that usually I'm just treading water until I actually get it right and decide what I want to do.

Science excites me.

Traveling is the root of all good and all evil for me-- I can't get enough, but I never seem to enjoy it enough while I'm there. Being abroad is a smattering of memories, and I can't hold on to any of them.

I update sporadically, and I don't really care because this is just one way I file myself down when I'm feeling rough around the edges.

I write poetry and prefer parsnips to french fries when I'm eating a steak. I like blue cheese on top, but not by itself. My favorite meal involves mashed potatoes and meat, and I would be completely content to live off of those two things for the rest of my life, as long as you throw in a vegetable.

I love run-on sentences and write train of thought and left a lot of my heart in the south, even though I never want to be considered southern. But I do say "heaven forbid."

I am adept at understanding any rapid sort of lyric from my early obsession with beat poetry and my dedication to having a functional relationship with the English language in all of it's forms. Screamo, however, is often too much for me to decipher.

About half of the time I feel so full of life I want to explode, and the other half I feel so completely drained that even sleep takes effort. I hate and love medicine because I love the quick fix, but hate the stigma.

I hate being a woman because I hate most women and a lot of the things that we (I will include myself) feel is necessary in life. We judge and mean it, we gossip and don't mean it, and we take anything anyone else says regarding ourselves way too seriously. I mean, really, boys talk about each other all of the time, and it's endearing. What sorts of social lessons are women missing out on that makes us somewhat non-functional beings from time to time?

But I would hate to be a man because they are, largely, completely devoid of sexual power. And I may never be a CEO, but I do know how to use the fact that I'm a woman to get my way.

I like crying at the end of bad movies. I love foreign films. Video games are a part of my daily ritual. I am self-assured, but accused of being selfish. I truly don't care a lot for other people, but only because, in general, they are not much concerned with me. When I have a real friend, I get upset at every tiny bit of frustration they have and only want to fix things to make them better.

I have a love/hate relationship with the idea of becoming a parent, but I am almost certain it's inevitable.

I can not see myself in ten or twenty years.

But I look happy when I'm eighty and talking to a man with large ears.