up too early

So strange for me to be up before 10 when I don't have any reason to be whatsoever. And I can't put my finger on anything. I went to bed late(ish) so certainly I'm not well rested. My only guess is that a) the sun is coming up a little earlier and b) there's someone sawing something loudly next door. Although, to be fair, that's been happening for the last two years, so nothing new there.

So, what did I do with my first hour of glorious awakeness? Well, I looked at all of Oxford's statistics, checked e-mail about 100 times, and played on facebook. The moral of the story is that I would have been better served, probably, by staying asleep. I'm a little confused, seriously, why that didn't happen.

All I know is that I'll probably need a nap later. Kind of boo.

And I really wish that I had spent that hour more meaningfully because I won't ever get it back and because I will probably do all those other useless things 300 times today, again. Alas.

But, whatever, I should be celebrating because I have nothing to do on Mondays and get to languish in bed for hours at a time doing worthless, trivial things that have nothing at all to do with anything. Sometimes it's great to be a fourth semester senior.

In other news: there isn't really any. My life is full, certainly, but not of the type of thing that usually finds its way to these pages. I realized that I usually post about the downsides...the negatives...the things I'm so frustrated about I feel like I can't actually share them with a real person. Since I've got none of those things to complain about, I have just been making random "aaaah" postings. While I'm sure these posts are fun for me to write, they don't really add much substance or demonstrate much of the joy and complexity of life to others. Suffice it to say that I feel like I should be writing about substantive things instead of nothing. I'll try, but I'm not saying everything.

I feel like, sometimes, the most worthwhile things in life are the ones we hold so close to our heart that we don't share them with people as a mass, just with the one or two other people to which they matter. I think that might be best about 98% of the time. The other 2% I feel like is what I should be writing about. I think the whole point of writing is to share beauty, splendor, wonder, and happiness with others. Especially once I've gotten some of it. These things, though, can be so elusive. And right now the things that make me smile are connected to things that are mine alone, so I'm going to take them, run with them (possibly even literally), and let you know when myself and things come crashing down. Hopefully, though, it will be laughing in the grass instead of sobbing on the pavement, but I still think either is worth a journey full of meaning, exchange, and growth.

All endings are happy if you believe in the power of the story that brought you there.

And right now, I do.

Hello, I love you...

Good morning, morning. It's afternoon, actually, but I just finished with Sunday brunches.

I had a fabulous weekend. All said and done, I got ahead of schedule in life and happiness. I was bursting for a pretty good amount of it.

I'm starting to finally notice physically that I've been working out every day. I did actually feel more tired at the gym yesterday than usual, but in a good way, I think. My muscles are feeling more in tune with each other and with use. I think, though, that I'm going to start going to yoga with one of my girlfriends because I'm absolutely certain I need to be moving my body in new, different, more full ways. Not being a dancer anymore, I miss the rigor of perfecting each movement.

I discovered a new poetry book last night by Kim Addonizio. I'm really enjoying it and I even e-mailed her and asked her whether she'd consider coming to speak. Who knows if she'll actually get back to me, but I really like what she's saying and how she's saying it in some of her poems. I got it off of my friend's bookshelf, but he found it in the small publisher and out of print section at a huge bookstore/warehouse in Portland. In one of her poems she writes about Virginia, so I'm interested to know more. I'll keep you updated.

In other news, smiling and happiness are enough sometimes. I'm getting there more and more every day. After all, when all is said and done, what do I really have to be sad about? I have incredible friends who I would do anything for and who would do anything for me and that's honestly half the battle. Thank you to all of you who are. You are more to me me than I could have expected.

The Secret

I watched The Secret last night and am trying to put it into action in my life. I know a lot of my friends are really skeptical about things like this, but I feel like this skepticism is exactly why these theories don't work for them.

I am completely aware that when I am surrounded by positive energy and when I am producing a lot of it, I am productive, full of good ideas, and so happy that nothing could make me frown. Plus, why not be optimistic? The more you believe that you can and will accomplish, the more likely it is that you will at least try and you can't succeed if you don't.

The Secret is about attracting those things to you that you want by believing that you already have them. It's really not hard to see why it works, if you think about it. If you are actively thinking about what it is you really want, whether it's a person or an opportunity, you are much more likely to see it when it does saunter into your life.

It's also about appreciating what you already have and focusing on the positives. Feeling good about what you have and really appreciating it attracts more of the same. So on that note, I really am thankful for a lot of the things that I have, particularly the people who are in my life. Especially the people who show up out of nowhere to provide love and support when I most need it. I'm going to make a more comprehensive list later, probably in one of the side boxes, about the things that I really want out of life. I like to set goal lists from time to time because realizing what you actually want is the first step towards working toward it. I'll keep you updated

word to the wise...

I have only pulled three all-nighters so far this year and all three have been for non academic related reasons. Applications don't really count as school work.

I'm on the tail end of my all nighter right now. I've been up since class on Monday morning and I will be up at least until Valeria gets all of her stuff moved in to my apartment tonight. I'm getting a housemate and an extra cat at least until her apartment gets inspected. I think that the company will be nice and from what I understand it's just for tonight, but I definitely don't have my apartment in any condition to receive guests. I also know Jeff will probably want to sleep over on Friday so I hope that I don't end up with too many housemates! I just realized and by just I mean right now realized that I was going camping this weekend. If Jeff is coming, there's no way I can actually go. I wouldn't miss him coming into town for the entire world, hiking or not. I am sure that it will be worth it.

In other news, I really have been happy with the way life has been going recently but I hope that I don't end up overextending myself in the wrong directions. I mean that on a variety of levels. On the plus side, there are a lot of really cool people who have recently come into my life and new fun people are always a positive thing. On the other hand, I've been getting a lot done in my one-on-one time with myself and I really hope that I can keep it up at least for a little bit longer. Another week or two of being really productive and I will be on the top of the world.

Speaking of the world, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do for Fall break. I'm considering driving up and spending time with Miranda but I would only want to go if I had some company on the road. Finding people to go and do things with me is always the hard part. I know mom won't let me drive all the way up there by myself. You know how moms can be. Maybe I'll convince someone to come with me. Someone delicious who will enjoy Miranda and Brown.

stumbling

It's become fairly clear to me that the only way to describe the way I'm walking through life right now is "stumbling."

I am not in any way unhappy with how life has been going, but I've been barely able to safely traipse through it without falling flat on my face.

I've been busy. Not insanely busy, of course, but certainly not finding a lot of time to lounge around. I should be honest: I've been going out a lot. Maybe even too much. I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time wasting time with various sets of people including but not limited to Valeria and my neighbors.

Valeria will know as of Wednesday what happens next. I am so glad that I got to steal some extra time with her. I had let too much of our time together slip by without really appreciating how wonderfully we get along. She is someone that I always want to be a part of my life. That sounds cheesy but anyone who knows me and how little I usually appreciate girls will understand that I reserve that honor for very few people.

I think, maybe, I'm still stuck in "senior summer's coming mode" and may be until V leaves. I'm pretty concerned with savoring every second that I have because I know how much it sucks to not get to see your best friends every day anymore.

I am going to promise myself right now to spend all of tomorrow getting my life together. I need to actually put everything in my planner and stop living from day to day hoping that I haven't forgotten anything. I've been doing an okay job so far, but I know that at some point it's going to bite me in the ass if I don't actually plan ahead.

Every time I talk to my dad, he asks me how my mood is...and I don't usually stop to think about it, because it's been fine, but I am realizing that right now I'm not all that happy with certain things. I really miss being physically close to someone. I've been drinking too much and saying/doing things that might otherwise be inappropriate were I not to have the excuse of being intoxicated. I'm worried that these two things are related and may continue to get worse unless I somehow address it. I know, though, that I've also balked at the idea of being in a relationship, particularly with specific people. I guess I'm not that against the general idea, but I have gotten really attached to being in control of my space and my life. I'm not sure that I'm going to find someone any time soon that will actually be worth letting in for the long term.

Plus, I don't want anything getting in the way of having a fucking awesome last year, although I haven't quite figured out how it's going to play out. I may only be in school this first semester and may spend next semester working, although I may play it by ear, seeing what sort of grades I get, what sorts of things I do or don't get involved with. Maybe I'll take an underload and work. I'd really like to save up some money at some point.

On a mostly unrelated note, I'm starting to really miss some of the people who aren't here this semester. Jeff especially. I know it's better for him not to be here, but I also know he's not having the best of semesters with his parents. I wish there were something I could do to make his life better. Alas.

Alright, this has gone on too long. I also am glad that I am about the only person to ever read this thing. It makes rambling on about things that are unimportant to everyone else so much easier.

melting

Williamsburg, Virginia is a hole of despair and a vacuum that sucks up all forward motivation and positive energy and spits it out on the other side--somewhere I'm not.

I want nothing more than to feel the same sort of hope that I felt in the middle of the summer; I knew where I was going in life and that it would all be okay. A month later and only two weeks into the semester, I'm not so sure.

Obviously, I am going to be fine. Sadly, though, this town is 0 for 4 with providing non-awkward social situations, time to spend with people who are actually worthwhile, things to do on a regular basis that don't suck, and meaningful ways to spend time alone.

I actually think I might go to the gym now, even though I should be doing work. Sitting in the sauna and then taking a cold shower may be the only way to get rid of the grossness I feel from being outside all day doing sorority recruitment.

My friend called and seemed upset. He wanted to talk. I've felt this nagging nausea in the bottom of my stomach since then; I'm worried about what might be going on. I never want to think the worst, but I always do.

this just in

Today when I opened up my amazon.com homepage in order to look up a desk that would span my bathtub so I could write in the tub, I saw a ridiculous home page (I will scan images in later, promise). It prompted a lot of thought regarding my individuality, taste levels, cultural awareness, etc.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

I fixed my bike. My hands smell like bike grease but I am glad that I labored on the product myself. I do need to fix the breaks. Maybe I will learn how.

I am very surprised there is not a desk for writing over the bathtub. I may have to make one? Ask Bryan / Brian to make one? Hmm.

Alright. Shower, clean. Crazy keg party @ my house. Again, I mean. That's twice in three days.

What?

piercing scream

today is one of those days where I have to remind myself repeatedly, again and again, my life is not determined by external factors.

but I'm taking things one step at a time.

and I'll get to the end of the day.
and hopefully have done everything that needs to get done.

It's prime list making time.

Peace out.
SA meeting to attend to.

happy endings

I couldn't really be more pleased with the way today and yesterday went.

Of the 110 things I needed to get done around the house, I think I accomplished like 35, which is a lot. Laundry, watering plants (the inside ones, obviously with all this rain!), dishes, coffee, trash, recycling, kitty, fridge, more kitty, more laundry, and more trash. That's not 35, but believe me when I say that I feel just as productive.

I am feeling alright about Chemistry...which, actually, is better than feeling confident, since I'm sure I will actually pay attention to what I'm doing rather than feeling cocky or whatnot.

I watched a fabulous movie and took a three hour nap instead of stressing out.

I danced a lot and had fun on Saturday with two of my favorites and said some pretty sentimental things to people who will appreciate them.

My only regret is that there are some people that I just can't read. And sometimes I get frustrated because I really, and I mean really, like to know what's going on.

My cat is going insane. I'm going to bed.

senior formal

I am just realizing now that I don't have the time to really get down to what was fantastic about last night. But I had a fabulous, delicious evening and I couldn't have asked for a better total package.

More soon.

Addendum: see the "labels" for what this evening entailed.

friendship is rare

Yesterday was a very rewarding day. I had a lot of positives highlighted with opportune music and some fantastic (I would say) dancing on my part. I hadn't been to a dance party in forever. It was everything I could have ever hoped for.

In other news, I have happened upon someone who is very likely to become my new obsession. At least from what I can tell. I think I'm going to ask this person whether or not they have an apprentice program in which I could participate. I have a lot to learn.

The book has stalled for a while. I wrote a lot about apples but then it kind of faded away...

I'm fading away. Mike Levy reads XCKD too. I really hope the Syndication thing is an April Fool's Joke. Holler.

naked

I feel today almost as if I have been stripped of my identity. I'm down one best friend. Down my ipod. Down my belief that I'm doing fairly well in school this semester (don't even get me started there). I mean, sure, these things don't make me who I am but they certainly add to what I believe about myself and dedicate my time to. Maybe that's, overall, a sad thing. I mean, your closest friends like you for who you are, so when you lose them, does that mean that you are no longer who you are but someone else? That's kind of how I'm feeling. What sort of monster have I become? Also, whenever I dye my hair it takes at least 2 weeks for all of my old friends to figure out how to recognize me with my new hair color and since this one is particularly ridiculous and drastic, I'm saying it is going to be at least 3 weeks. Hurray for that, I guess.

So, the webcomic I discovered through a post by Emma on Bryan's facebook wall (I hate the Internet) has been comforting. It's great to know that there are people out there who think along similar lines as I do, at least from time to time. It may be true that those people are geniuses and I am not, but that's beside the point. I think this one was my favorite. Especially because it is SO true. Recently, with all the writing, sleeping, reading, etc. I've been doing, I've been having a pretty hard time keeping track of what is "real" and what is "read" and what is "dreamed." All of my realities, because believe me, I invest as much belief into what happens in books and writing as I often do into my own life, have been blurring together. Not to mention the influence that the lack of sleep or use of alcohol has on the jumbling. I dreamed on two consecutive nights about the same incident that has, I'll admit, been bothering me. In the first of the dreams it went as poorly as possible. In the second of the dreams it went as well as possible. When I awoke the second morning I realized that neither event had happened and neither probably would. Still, I was faced with the feeling of closure immediately prior to that realization and REALLY wanted to hold on to it. Maybe that's what dreams do...look to offer us some closure for the things that really never end, change, get better, etc. Closure is important. It's part of moving on, making the ends of my torn heart, mind, body, etc. meet, and finishing the "chapter" or "book," so to speak in order for me to file it away in my mental library without thinking that I need to be doing a little more work on it. I am constantly trying to find closure...maybe if I could invest a little more faith in my dreams, they'd do it for me. Wouldn't that be nice?

Just last night I was talking to a high school friend about the way people come and go in our lives. We both agreed that you never realize what a big part of your life a person is until they're gone. Also, you are unlikely to realize the many ways that one person has come to be involved until you come upon the holes they leave. I hate that part of friendship. I am always really reluctant to make real friends just because of that fact. Once you commit yourself to friendship, you are agreeing to lose a part of yourself forever if that friendship fails. You are agreeing to the possibility that you will become irreparable broken. You are taking the risk of creating a part of your life that will never feel right without the other person still being a part of it. For me, that's the scariest. Sure, the good times "are worth it." But the blackness of losing it is pretty god damned dark and I tend to slip into that darkness just a little too far. I know, in the long run, I am thankful for all of the super close friends I've had. I would say there are fewer than 20 of them, total, throughout the course of my life. I only know where some of them are, so if that factors in, there are probably 10 that I am still going to be in touch with in 5 years (if that many). Even then, if each of them only has a small percentage of me, let's say 1%, that's at least 10% of me that is forever missing. 20% if you recognize that my belief that I'm going to stay in touch with these people is at least slightly biased on the fact that I will want to try...but seem to have a problem with being a good friend in return.

Man, fuck it. I'm not giving up, but I may rethink this whole thing before endeavoring to make any more sudden movements when it comes to the friends I have.

Also, super sweet: I didn't make any spelling errors in this entire rant minus a few slang words. I suck at spelling, generally, but apparently, at least today, I rock at fixing my mistakes without a spellchecker!

friend is a four letter word

I would not say that I trust easily....but maybe I do. All I know is that I repeatedly get demolished by people I count among my closest friends. Maybe I have a hard time reading people or people have a hard time being honest with me...I'm not quite sure. I have always thought that I was relatively approachable, and I generally make it very clear to people that I am close to how much I desire honesty over all other things. Seriously, I would rather someone say things that hurt than to say one thing and do another.

Right now I'm just in this weird place. I know what's best for me isn't what I've been doing, but it just felt yummy, healthy, promising. I love developing friendships with people that I'm close to and ending up in a good place where there's a bubble, a safe zone, of trust. I think that before this week started, I didn't have much faith in that bubble, but for some reason I decided Monday or yesterday that it really was fine for me to put my trust into it and believe in it. Big mistake for me. Now, after having spent an entire semester trying just to protect myself from feeling abandoned, alone, worthless...I manage to do it all in one week without even having someone to abandon me in the first place.

I don't always take things like this well. In fact, I would say that most of the time I take them extraordinarily poorly. And I would also say that this time of year, the last week of classes, the moment before I need to be buckling down and doing well with work, this is not the time when I need to be making my life any harder with these issues. Sadly, we don't always get a choice in how our life plays out.

I guess this just hasn't been my year. I think, this year, I will actually make some resolutions for new year's, and hopefully stick to them.

maximum 95 characters

Current Mood: explosive

I decided that it's not possible that all of my friends are insane unless it's simply me that causes them to act that way. Either that or the fragmentation of postmodernism has taken hold and we're all trying to subvert our own inner dialogues for fear that they're the voice of the majority.

For heaven's sake. Heavens sa-ke, the drink. It would be damn good right now.

Everyone in this computer lab hates me because I keep tapping my fingers to my ipod's beat and everyone else is trying to study. Soon I'll be playing one of the games that is on the computer to teach business students about supply and demand. here I come, lemonade stand.
and that's more than a dress.

So, I have kissed a surprising amount of my top 8 friends. Really. Maybe that's why they're still around.

I have to get off this computer. I can't stand electricity and flashing advertising banners.

Where are the fucking candles?

I really am going. to give up.

Currently Listening: "If It Weren't For Venetian Blinds"