stumbling

It's become fairly clear to me that the only way to describe the way I'm walking through life right now is "stumbling."

I am not in any way unhappy with how life has been going, but I've been barely able to safely traipse through it without falling flat on my face.

I've been busy. Not insanely busy, of course, but certainly not finding a lot of time to lounge around. I should be honest: I've been going out a lot. Maybe even too much. I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time wasting time with various sets of people including but not limited to Valeria and my neighbors.

Valeria will know as of Wednesday what happens next. I am so glad that I got to steal some extra time with her. I had let too much of our time together slip by without really appreciating how wonderfully we get along. She is someone that I always want to be a part of my life. That sounds cheesy but anyone who knows me and how little I usually appreciate girls will understand that I reserve that honor for very few people.

I think, maybe, I'm still stuck in "senior summer's coming mode" and may be until V leaves. I'm pretty concerned with savoring every second that I have because I know how much it sucks to not get to see your best friends every day anymore.

I am going to promise myself right now to spend all of tomorrow getting my life together. I need to actually put everything in my planner and stop living from day to day hoping that I haven't forgotten anything. I've been doing an okay job so far, but I know that at some point it's going to bite me in the ass if I don't actually plan ahead.

Every time I talk to my dad, he asks me how my mood is...and I don't usually stop to think about it, because it's been fine, but I am realizing that right now I'm not all that happy with certain things. I really miss being physically close to someone. I've been drinking too much and saying/doing things that might otherwise be inappropriate were I not to have the excuse of being intoxicated. I'm worried that these two things are related and may continue to get worse unless I somehow address it. I know, though, that I've also balked at the idea of being in a relationship, particularly with specific people. I guess I'm not that against the general idea, but I have gotten really attached to being in control of my space and my life. I'm not sure that I'm going to find someone any time soon that will actually be worth letting in for the long term.

Plus, I don't want anything getting in the way of having a fucking awesome last year, although I haven't quite figured out how it's going to play out. I may only be in school this first semester and may spend next semester working, although I may play it by ear, seeing what sort of grades I get, what sorts of things I do or don't get involved with. Maybe I'll take an underload and work. I'd really like to save up some money at some point.

On a mostly unrelated note, I'm starting to really miss some of the people who aren't here this semester. Jeff especially. I know it's better for him not to be here, but I also know he's not having the best of semesters with his parents. I wish there were something I could do to make his life better. Alas.

Alright, this has gone on too long. I also am glad that I am about the only person to ever read this thing. It makes rambling on about things that are unimportant to everyone else so much easier.

this just in

Today when I opened up my amazon.com homepage in order to look up a desk that would span my bathtub so I could write in the tub, I saw a ridiculous home page (I will scan images in later, promise). It prompted a lot of thought regarding my individuality, taste levels, cultural awareness, etc.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

I fixed my bike. My hands smell like bike grease but I am glad that I labored on the product myself. I do need to fix the breaks. Maybe I will learn how.

I am very surprised there is not a desk for writing over the bathtub. I may have to make one? Ask Bryan / Brian to make one? Hmm.

Alright. Shower, clean. Crazy keg party @ my house. Again, I mean. That's twice in three days.

What?

senior formal

I am just realizing now that I don't have the time to really get down to what was fantastic about last night. But I had a fabulous, delicious evening and I couldn't have asked for a better total package.

More soon.

Addendum: see the "labels" for what this evening entailed.

reflecting on thanksgiving

Well, I guess that in the line-up of holidays, this one was mediocre, but still, there was something worth thinking about. The trek for me was longer this year than most....usually we hold all of the major family holidays in my hometown, where my grandparents and mom still live, even though the other two parts of the family are other places in Virginia, but this year we went to Charlottesville. I guess since my grandmother died last year, they were trying to do things differently. Driving 3 hours home only to turn around and drive 3 hours (picking up my grandpa and taking the back way to Charlottesville) for the lunch only to do it all over again in reverse was not much fun. The interesting thing, for me at least, was finally sitting down with the two cousins I am closest in age with and laughing about how we all felt the same way, even though we never get to talk about it.

My one female cousin and I are the exact same age and have a lot of common interests and have always gotten along quite well. The interesting thing is that she's adopted, so our getting along and having things in common has nothing to do with us actually being related. Maybe that's the reason that she and I never really feel like we're in competition with each other...but for years her parents have always taunted my mom with all of her accomplishments in an attempt to get some sort of reaction...some sort of battle of resumes...in order to determine who has a better daughter. I have always thought it was ridiculous. This Thanksgiving she, myself, and our older cousin Drew laughed about how it's the same way for all of us. It never was something we really talked about before....but even though we're all 21 and older now, we all still sit at the "kid's table" so it gave us a chance to talk things over. They've all been doing it for years, "rewriting history," as Drew put it, in order to, I guess, teach the younger kids a "lesson" and make themselves feel good about the parenting they did with those of us who have and are graduating from college. We got fed up and went to the store and got beer. That is something I've been wanting to do with my family for years. Thank goodness for having family that I actually will look forward to seeing for Christmas. Maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe this will be one of the last years we'll all do Thanksgiving together. Once my grandfather dies, we probably will have little reason to all get together, so maybe it's good that I finally found something to enjoy in the holidays. If nothing else, I found out that our disdain for the way our family competes with each other over us is something that we all have in common, if nothing else.

Compared to my "usual" posts, this one is rather boring, but I guess that makes sense since I'm home. I always feel a little less "myself," or interesting, while I'm here. I head back to school tomorrow, I think. I can't wait.

what's good for me?

Current Mood: binary

drinking isn't? I don't know what is though. Love, love isn't good for me. It fills me up with worthwhile sentiments and then dissappears leaving me with all sorts of thoughts and feelings that I then, of course, just peddle off on someone else. being manipulative. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Good when I get what I want, bad when I realize how I've gotten what I wanted and it makes me a bad person. good= friendships with girls that don't hurt anyone. bad= friendships with boys that make me unsure of what the word "friend" entails exactly. good equals bottled water and showers, bad equals my room being messy for the first time this semester.

I'm going to be in bed all day reading. I guess that's worth something.

Currently Reading: He Knew He Was Right, Anthony Trollope