Every day

In fact, Brussels mornings aren't orange. Quite the opposite.

My morning right now is strange, but one thing I realized is that a woman or man who will ask you to pick them over family isn't the right type of person to become your family member.

more morning in Brussels

So, my comment about the warm orange was made prior to actually walking outside. Once through the door, I realized that winter is very cold, windy, and not orange. Although, the light pollution does kind of make the city glow. Once the sun came up, it was a pale blue color. And it's raining. We walked around for about an hour and a half this morning before anything was open (thanks jet lag) looking for things to do. We found a really beautiful building that is the royal museum of art, history, and the military. Finally, at 8, a store opened and we bought food and cooked an incredible breakfast: eggs, prosciutto, and I also had a really wonderful sausage pastry. The pastry hit the spot completely and was from an Irish butcher. I love that there are many more small shops here instead of enormous chains, although I'm sure there are plenty of those too.

Yesterday we walked around for a long time and saw a lot of the big European Union buildings, but I kind of liked our trip this morning more. I love exploring a city when you don't know exactly what you're looking for. Taking each new sight for what it is rather than just something to see on the way to where you're going. I think it provides for a much better overall experience.

Shower time. I'll be sure to update more later.

travels

Mornings in Brussels are warm orange. The day yesterday was windy. Scarves make so much sense now, and I'm glad I brought plenty. This trip is incredible, largely because I am on it with a bunch of people whose humor and smiles are friendly and comfortable.

Also, warm waffles are one of the most wonderful things to have on a cold day. In fact, I am journeying out to get some right now so we can have a delicious, hot breakfast. Also, John Quinn and I may explore the city. A lot of the other people are still sleeping. But I'm glad to be awake and alive.

The other side is beautiful.

home, saccrine home

Secret about me: when I'm at home sometimes I put on my pointe shoes and dance around on my toes.

Home does a lot of crazy things to people.

For one thing, seeing old friends from high school is strange. A lot of them, by now for me, have moved back home and are living here permanently. Some of them are pregnant. A good portion of them are in long-term live-in relationships.

In other words, I envision this place and the people here as somehow universally distinct from the culture of William and Mary.

Now, I know this isn't necessarily true, but there are some definitely factual supportive points of evidence.

Case in point: I went out with a group of friends last night to the local bar. Note to everyone: this bar didn't even exist when I was in high school. No bars in fact existed when I was in high school. They were all just tied up in restaurants somewhere. In other words, there is very little social culture here outside of football games and field parties. Now, I went to this bar. I had driven all day. I had no clean clothes. I only went because some friends had wanted to hang out. I had little to no intent to expend any amount of energy impressing people, but as soon as I walked through the door the scene crept up on me like a strange beast.

It was hard not to feel judged. Everyone's hair was perfect. Lots of make-up. Cute clothes. Hanging out in their same high school groups. For those who don't know, high school was a strange time for me. I was friends with the "popular" crowd for a while, but things changed. I had grown up with a lot of them because we all lived in town, so high school started out with all of us mostly in a pretty tight-knit group. I am not going to try to pinpoint why, because it isn't really important, but for whatever reason, sometime during sophomore/junior years, my group of friends shifted pretty significantly. I was at odds with a lot of my old friends for a pretty good stretch of time. I hung out with the other governor's school kids who are all very cool, very smart, very eccentric people. Since college, I've patched up my friendships with a lot of people. Being at odds is never good, and since I'm hardly ever home, holding grudges doesn't make sense. Knowing these things, you can imagine that standing in the center of the bar was a strange emotion. I don't really fit in to any of the groups of people. I'm not ever home and I'm really okay with that. A stereotype people had about me earlier in my life was that I was really stuck up, but that's not true. Far from true. I just don't feel included, most of the time. I'm not particularly shy, but I feel really overwhelmed in such social situations. And I felt, for just a second, inadequate. I was not making a positive impression on anyone. Suddenly I realized, as I was talking with a friend, there was a really significant point in all of this.

It was made best by some other guy who I can't remember who said something like "You'll feel better about what people think about you when you realize they don't." It's so true. Later that night as I was talking to someone who definitely knew me back in high school, he couldn't even remember my last name or who I was, even when I told him. Sure, I've changed a lot since then, but not that much, really. It dawned on me. I am too cool to let what any of those people think about me matter. The same applied to everyone in that damn bar. All of us who have moved away from home have our own lives, our own circles of friends, and our own successes. We don't need to be validated by a bunch of people we went to high school with. Still, it is hard, sometimes, not to get caught up in the nonsense.

Later, though, I hung out with a bunch of people who are all, honestly, amazing. I was trembling with delight from how much fun it was just to sit surrounded by them for a few hours. I stayed up way too late, though, and am now paying for it with a sore throat and no voice. Speaking of which, it's time for me to take care of that.

I want to go on a spiritual quest to a healer sometime soon with Jeff. This is the place I have tagged so far because they do reiki which I heard about a lot in Japan. I'll keep you updated for sure.

I'm not sure if I should add that random thought to my goals blog or not.

Yummmm....

I bought a plane ticket today for Belgium for New Years. I'll be with a bunch of good friends on the other side of the Atlantic. This is shaping up to be the best year of my life.

Really.

I also have a bunch of work I need to do. But it's hard to get motivated to do things that, in my mind, don't matter. I may need more coffee.

On the other side, the positive one, my goals blog has been a rip-roaring success. I have already had a job offer come out of it. Really, what more could I ask for? Not much.

cold feet

I'm crazy. I've been skipping all of my morning classes and not caring. Eventually, this is going to bite me in the ass. I wish that I were not in this place right now where I don't care.

Yesterday I got a lot accomplished....today, though, I did nothing. I haven't even showered. All I want is to curl up in the corner of my bathtub and be warm. I'm wondering if it's the weather.

I don't dislike winter. I really don't. But right now I dislike being cold. I realized last night that before I turn on my heat I'm going to need to move my albums since they're right next to the heater. I really don't want to warp them all, but I'm also really lazy and don't really feel like reorganizing the room. Hmmm....

Hmmm...

one down, 3.6 tomorrow and I'm outta here

Alright, that's actually not true. I'm not leaving anytime soon. But I am down one test and having made it through this morning gives me some hope for the rest of the day.

So, to update all of you on what and where my life has been going, I'm going to make a list.

These are the things I'm applying for/to/with:

Teach for America, Hedgebrook, Close-Up Foundation, JET Program, Oxford, Berkley, UMich-Ann Arbor, UCLA, Brown, Harvard Business, Central European University and GEMMA, Cambridge, Amsterdam University.

Actually, I'll update this list later. I'm sleepy.

The Secret

I watched The Secret last night and am trying to put it into action in my life. I know a lot of my friends are really skeptical about things like this, but I feel like this skepticism is exactly why these theories don't work for them.

I am completely aware that when I am surrounded by positive energy and when I am producing a lot of it, I am productive, full of good ideas, and so happy that nothing could make me frown. Plus, why not be optimistic? The more you believe that you can and will accomplish, the more likely it is that you will at least try and you can't succeed if you don't.

The Secret is about attracting those things to you that you want by believing that you already have them. It's really not hard to see why it works, if you think about it. If you are actively thinking about what it is you really want, whether it's a person or an opportunity, you are much more likely to see it when it does saunter into your life.

It's also about appreciating what you already have and focusing on the positives. Feeling good about what you have and really appreciating it attracts more of the same. So on that note, I really am thankful for a lot of the things that I have, particularly the people who are in my life. Especially the people who show up out of nowhere to provide love and support when I most need it. I'm going to make a more comprehensive list later, probably in one of the side boxes, about the things that I really want out of life. I like to set goal lists from time to time because realizing what you actually want is the first step towards working toward it. I'll keep you updated

word to the wise...

I have only pulled three all-nighters so far this year and all three have been for non academic related reasons. Applications don't really count as school work.

I'm on the tail end of my all nighter right now. I've been up since class on Monday morning and I will be up at least until Valeria gets all of her stuff moved in to my apartment tonight. I'm getting a housemate and an extra cat at least until her apartment gets inspected. I think that the company will be nice and from what I understand it's just for tonight, but I definitely don't have my apartment in any condition to receive guests. I also know Jeff will probably want to sleep over on Friday so I hope that I don't end up with too many housemates! I just realized and by just I mean right now realized that I was going camping this weekend. If Jeff is coming, there's no way I can actually go. I wouldn't miss him coming into town for the entire world, hiking or not. I am sure that it will be worth it.

In other news, I really have been happy with the way life has been going recently but I hope that I don't end up overextending myself in the wrong directions. I mean that on a variety of levels. On the plus side, there are a lot of really cool people who have recently come into my life and new fun people are always a positive thing. On the other hand, I've been getting a lot done in my one-on-one time with myself and I really hope that I can keep it up at least for a little bit longer. Another week or two of being really productive and I will be on the top of the world.

Speaking of the world, I have been trying to figure out what I want to do for Fall break. I'm considering driving up and spending time with Miranda but I would only want to go if I had some company on the road. Finding people to go and do things with me is always the hard part. I know mom won't let me drive all the way up there by myself. You know how moms can be. Maybe I'll convince someone to come with me. Someone delicious who will enjoy Miranda and Brown.

being old...

I'm 22. 22 is an age for getting "real life" together. I know that real life happens all of the time, but I feel like my life has largely been one without any responsibilities. Real life involves bills, kids, a job you have to be on time for, and other less flexible things. I've barely mastered doing laundry/dishes/and vacuuming. I was looking on Facebook today (yeah, I'm back on, but I think it might have been a poor choice) and I kept coming across pictures of people I went to high school with who are married, working, and having babies. A good number of my friends, actually, have had babies already. Yikes. Another of my former teammates got married yesterday. I really don't know how I feel about any of that. Weddings are scary.

I got some stuff done this weekend, but I feel like I never get enough done. I had a really successful career fair day. I ended up with a phone interview and a (sort of) job offer. I'll know more about both of those within the next two weeks I think. One of the jobs is for next semester. The thing is, it would mean leaving here and my apartment and going somewhere else which I'm not exactly sure I am ready to do. On one hand, I most definitely am ready to get a start on life. On the other hand, I would probably be better off to stay settled here and stay busy working on applications and have ready access to professors, staff persons, etc. It makes getting recommendation letters/transcripts hard when you're super far away.

Speaking of transcripts, I REALLY don't like that a lot of applications require you to have official transcript copies from all of the places you've ever studied. That's quite a few for me and I REALLY don't enjoy shelling out $5 to 3 different community colleges every time I need to prove to someone that I took dual enrollment classes in high school. Ordering transcripts needs to be made easier through use of online forms or they need to just be able to supply them electronically or something. I feel like transcripts don't even really matter that much to some extent. Pshaw. Alright. I'm going to go and do some things that matter.

stumbling

It's become fairly clear to me that the only way to describe the way I'm walking through life right now is "stumbling."

I am not in any way unhappy with how life has been going, but I've been barely able to safely traipse through it without falling flat on my face.

I've been busy. Not insanely busy, of course, but certainly not finding a lot of time to lounge around. I should be honest: I've been going out a lot. Maybe even too much. I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time wasting time with various sets of people including but not limited to Valeria and my neighbors.

Valeria will know as of Wednesday what happens next. I am so glad that I got to steal some extra time with her. I had let too much of our time together slip by without really appreciating how wonderfully we get along. She is someone that I always want to be a part of my life. That sounds cheesy but anyone who knows me and how little I usually appreciate girls will understand that I reserve that honor for very few people.

I think, maybe, I'm still stuck in "senior summer's coming mode" and may be until V leaves. I'm pretty concerned with savoring every second that I have because I know how much it sucks to not get to see your best friends every day anymore.

I am going to promise myself right now to spend all of tomorrow getting my life together. I need to actually put everything in my planner and stop living from day to day hoping that I haven't forgotten anything. I've been doing an okay job so far, but I know that at some point it's going to bite me in the ass if I don't actually plan ahead.

Every time I talk to my dad, he asks me how my mood is...and I don't usually stop to think about it, because it's been fine, but I am realizing that right now I'm not all that happy with certain things. I really miss being physically close to someone. I've been drinking too much and saying/doing things that might otherwise be inappropriate were I not to have the excuse of being intoxicated. I'm worried that these two things are related and may continue to get worse unless I somehow address it. I know, though, that I've also balked at the idea of being in a relationship, particularly with specific people. I guess I'm not that against the general idea, but I have gotten really attached to being in control of my space and my life. I'm not sure that I'm going to find someone any time soon that will actually be worth letting in for the long term.

Plus, I don't want anything getting in the way of having a fucking awesome last year, although I haven't quite figured out how it's going to play out. I may only be in school this first semester and may spend next semester working, although I may play it by ear, seeing what sort of grades I get, what sorts of things I do or don't get involved with. Maybe I'll take an underload and work. I'd really like to save up some money at some point.

On a mostly unrelated note, I'm starting to really miss some of the people who aren't here this semester. Jeff especially. I know it's better for him not to be here, but I also know he's not having the best of semesters with his parents. I wish there were something I could do to make his life better. Alas.

Alright, this has gone on too long. I also am glad that I am about the only person to ever read this thing. It makes rambling on about things that are unimportant to everyone else so much easier.

melting

Williamsburg, Virginia is a hole of despair and a vacuum that sucks up all forward motivation and positive energy and spits it out on the other side--somewhere I'm not.

I want nothing more than to feel the same sort of hope that I felt in the middle of the summer; I knew where I was going in life and that it would all be okay. A month later and only two weeks into the semester, I'm not so sure.

Obviously, I am going to be fine. Sadly, though, this town is 0 for 4 with providing non-awkward social situations, time to spend with people who are actually worthwhile, things to do on a regular basis that don't suck, and meaningful ways to spend time alone.

I actually think I might go to the gym now, even though I should be doing work. Sitting in the sauna and then taking a cold shower may be the only way to get rid of the grossness I feel from being outside all day doing sorority recruitment.

My friend called and seemed upset. He wanted to talk. I've felt this nagging nausea in the bottom of my stomach since then; I'm worried about what might be going on. I never want to think the worst, but I always do.

punchy

First of all, I strongly dislike titles.

Secondly, not being on Facebook is hard! I have wanted to edit my interests, look up some people to friend, and basically be Facebooky. I wish I weren't so wrapped up in it.

Other than that, I guess I don't have much to say. Earlier I was in the mood to post and so I went to do so. Just as I was getting ready to say something useful, the bookstore Internet went out and so now I'm left with a bunch of undigested thoughts that are going to have to get squashed into the back of my head until later this week when I'm not furiously reading sciences.

Actually, no, you know what? Here it goes:

I think I screwed up. I don't think I'm doing this right at all. I think that I've convinced myself that I'm strong, ready, able, and willing to be a lot of things that just aren't in my heart to be.

I have been telling myself for a few years now that I would end up being the bread winner in my relationships because I would never find a man to support me and that I would never be a stay-at-home mom because I don't like kids that much, but that's a lie. I don't know how I convinced myself that I 100% felt that way, because I don't. I hate admitting I'm wrong, especially to myself, but I am. If I met the right person, I would let him support me. I would want to have dinner ready when he came home from work, and I would even raise the kids. I would want us to be a family that plays together and ideally, I would write. I would not devote my entire life to wiping up some kid's spittle; I would have my own life of which a family was one part. Really, that doesn't sound too terrible.

I think I've been so bitter and afraid that I wouldn't ever meet someone worthwhile that I've been telling myself that's not what I want. I think that I'm so afraid of failing at relationships, I won't even let myself think that I want one. I've been being pretty emotionless recently when it has come to men in my life, but I'm not sure that's me. I'm not sure it isn't...I'm just not sure.

I guess it feels so much better to put up a facade of a strong identity that I've put a lot of thought into creating than to admit that I have no idea who I am. I know some things...but not enough to define me.

When I came to college, I was a Mrs. Degree--the girl who is only in college because the dating prospects are better here than in my hometown (sad, I know). I expected, fully, to be mediocre academically, and it didn't really matter as long as I was having a good time. Somewhere in the midst of my two-year-long relationship, I changed. I was doing well academically. I was beginning to enjoy being the dominant person in a relationship instead of being a mom-in-training. My parents had convinced me that since I didn't really cook/clean/do my own laundry/etc., I would never be a successful wife/mother/parent/homemaker. I told myself then, "Well, I'm used to a doctor's salary and I haven't found anyone else to give it to me, so I might as well make it myself." That was the end of junior year. I was even more convinced after that summer that I would never again be dependent on someone, I turned into a raging bitch female chauvinist pig: I wanted to be the boss, be in charge, be as far away from children and the "home" as possible. I spent plenty of time bashing women who were sappy, sensitive, child-friendly, romantic, etc. I wanted nothing to do with anything that I saw as too feminine of a trait. I'm still not sure I'm completely over that. I do think that it's completely reasonable for me to think that I may end up in that sort of relationship. What has changed, though, is my ability to believe that maybe, just maybe, I won't. Maybe I will be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I will have a husband who supports our family with a regular 9-5 job while I work on books, teaching, whatever it is that I want to do to bring in a little extra money on the side. And hey, if I get successful doing what it is I want to be doing, great.

This brings up some questions for me: is med school really worth it? I feel like I won't really be driven to use my medical degree if I don't have to. I mean, maybe, but I might be just as happy teaching some writing classes or picking flowers in the park or reading with and to some kids that may or may not happen to be mine. I don't know. I'm just feeling like I could go into any sort of direction right now and lack completely the drive to head down any one specific path. I'm really hoping that something just pops up out of nowhere and makes the next set of big decisions I am bound to have to make eventually a whole lot easier.

I would say I might win the lottery, but I don't even play.
Maybe it will be the social lottery. Who knows?

a return to torture

After many, many moons of me being too busy to actually get back to updating this regularly, I'm back. Largely due to the fact that I deactivated Facebook today, which was really anti-climactic. I'm really displeased with a large number of my my recent posts--almost to the point of wanting to delete some of them, but I know that isn't very authentic.

I've been working on 100 things, including my Fulbright application, my Peace Corps application, and getting back into the swing of school somewhere between orientation and recruitment counseling. I've realized, though, that I am really going to need a different kind of life style this year if I want to maintain my cerebral integrity as well as make it through here having actually gotten something done.

I've been considering a couple of possibilities, though, including dropping out of school, running for public office, and, if I don't win, going to the Agnes Scott pre-med program, largely because I just need a change of scenery. I really did like Atlanta. Everyone down there was SO super friendly. I was kind of shocked. Other than getting chased by a drug user shouting expletives based on my skin color, I felt relatively at ease there. I am not sure it would be my ideal city, but just the number of things I wanted to do and didn't get to, and the cool things I discovered while looking make me think that I could spend a year or so happily there. Plus, it's time for a change of scenery. This place is getting old.

Actually, that's a lie, I'm just getting too old for this place. I am realizing that I had one goal for college that didn't exactly work out, and it may even have been my most sincere one. I guess I just assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams (actually, upon rereading this...gag me with a spoon, seriously) sometime during undergrad and he and I would live happily ever after and I would only have to worry about a job in the context of getting to spend the rest of my life (or at least a reasonably large chunk) with someone I was in love with. I mean, right now I'm trying to figure out what to do next with my life because what I really want to be doing, I can't do without being "with" someone. I really just want to travel all over the place, but part of that is having a relatively stable, enjoyable traveling companion. That's something I just don't have right now. I guess I would enjoy traveling the road with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but the problem with that is the whole commitment/companionship thing. You've got to have that down pat before you can journey with someone and that's the hardest part of relationships for me.

I've been thinking about the military again. I am starting to think that it might be my best option because I really do need someone to whip me into shape. I need fewer options; I need to be told what to do. I feel like, for once, I need to live my life completely for something other than myself. I don't know if I could really do that in the military, but it would be better than turning into a waste of space because I am bad at making decisions.

I really wish I felt like I had some more direction.
But I am going to just breathe and let life happen.

Maybe what I need will turn up and if I'm paying attention, I'll notice.

bargh!

Yes, yes, yes. I will update soon.

I will do lots of things soon. I'm sure.

For now, I'm in Florida. I have been very busy and completely not at the exact same time. I've already finished five books this summer. For me, that's really the point.

I'm going to shoot for 20, I think. I could probably read more but I know I'll lose pace at some point or pick a really hard book.

I have all my summer reading list up on Facebook which is more for me than anyone else, but I think it's almost a good idea. Hopefully that's what's up.

crazy.

I am in China. This website is all in Chinese characters.

I have been too busy to think, let alone write about it. I am loving it though. Full. I am.

so much more than this

There is so much going on in my head that I have been unable to translate into any sort of useful product either for class or for this blog. I have gotten to that place at the end of the semester where my mind is stretched so completely in eight different directions that it's almost a contest to see which section of me will completely collapse first. I apologize for nothing making sense, but just go with it for now. I will try to fix it later.

chicken little's vanilla skies are falling

I asked someone to marry me tonight.
and they said yes.

Granted, it's a pretty non-restrictive contract in that it has no implication on immediacy or monogamy...but, actually, aren't those the best types of contracts.

Whoa.

another thought

The Great Wall of China is so large that it affects our ability to have it definitively photographed. There is not one image that defines the Great Wall. Maybe I'll work on that this summer?