I live in filth and revel in infamy.
If it's an important weekend, guaranteed I have my period.
I don't know the word tact, and I cross the line at least once every 12 hours.
I surround myself with people who are as screwed up on the inside as I am.
They just don't all know it yet.
But the best ones do.
I love pirates and postcards and practically anything that starts with the letter p except perhaps penis, since I prefer other words like cock and dick. Penis just sounds so polite.
I hate waking up in the morning, but love going to bed because it's warm and snuggly. I thrive on fog as long as it's pretty and light rain as long as the sun in shining. Take me to any body of water, I will make myself happy.
I re-evaluate my life on a daily basis and find out that usually I'm just treading water until I actually get it right and decide what I want to do.
Science excites me.
Traveling is the root of all good and all evil for me-- I can't get enough, but I never seem to enjoy it enough while I'm there. Being abroad is a smattering of memories, and I can't hold on to any of them.
I update sporadically, and I don't really care because this is just one way I file myself down when I'm feeling rough around the edges.
I write poetry and prefer parsnips to french fries when I'm eating a steak. I like blue cheese on top, but not by itself. My favorite meal involves mashed potatoes and meat, and I would be completely content to live off of those two things for the rest of my life, as long as you throw in a vegetable.
I love run-on sentences and write train of thought and left a lot of my heart in the south, even though I never want to be considered southern. But I do say "heaven forbid."
I am adept at understanding any rapid sort of lyric from my early obsession with beat poetry and my dedication to having a functional relationship with the English language in all of it's forms. Screamo, however, is often too much for me to decipher.
About half of the time I feel so full of life I want to explode, and the other half I feel so completely drained that even sleep takes effort. I hate and love medicine because I love the quick fix, but hate the stigma.
I hate being a woman because I hate most women and a lot of the things that we (I will include myself) feel is necessary in life. We judge and mean it, we gossip and don't mean it, and we take anything anyone else says regarding ourselves way too seriously. I mean, really, boys talk about each other all of the time, and it's endearing. What sorts of social lessons are women missing out on that makes us somewhat non-functional beings from time to time?
But I would hate to be a man because they are, largely, completely devoid of sexual power. And I may never be a CEO, but I do know how to use the fact that I'm a woman to get my way.
I like crying at the end of bad movies. I love foreign films. Video games are a part of my daily ritual. I am self-assured, but accused of being selfish. I truly don't care a lot for other people, but only because, in general, they are not much concerned with me. When I have a real friend, I get upset at every tiny bit of frustration they have and only want to fix things to make them better.
I have a love/hate relationship with the idea of becoming a parent, but I am almost certain it's inevitable.
I can not see myself in ten or twenty years.
But I look happy when I'm eighty and talking to a man with large ears.
12.14.2006
12.06.2006
friend is a four letter word
I would not say that I trust easily....but maybe I do. All I know is that I repeatedly get demolished by people I count among my closest friends. Maybe I have a hard time reading people or people have a hard time being honest with me...I'm not quite sure. I have always thought that I was relatively approachable, and I generally make it very clear to people that I am close to how much I desire honesty over all other things. Seriously, I would rather someone say things that hurt than to say one thing and do another.
Right now I'm just in this weird place. I know what's best for me isn't what I've been doing, but it just felt yummy, healthy, promising. I love developing friendships with people that I'm close to and ending up in a good place where there's a bubble, a safe zone, of trust. I think that before this week started, I didn't have much faith in that bubble, but for some reason I decided Monday or yesterday that it really was fine for me to put my trust into it and believe in it. Big mistake for me. Now, after having spent an entire semester trying just to protect myself from feeling abandoned, alone, worthless...I manage to do it all in one week without even having someone to abandon me in the first place.
I don't always take things like this well. In fact, I would say that most of the time I take them extraordinarily poorly. And I would also say that this time of year, the last week of classes, the moment before I need to be buckling down and doing well with work, this is not the time when I need to be making my life any harder with these issues. Sadly, we don't always get a choice in how our life plays out.
I guess this just hasn't been my year. I think, this year, I will actually make some resolutions for new year's, and hopefully stick to them.
Right now I'm just in this weird place. I know what's best for me isn't what I've been doing, but it just felt yummy, healthy, promising. I love developing friendships with people that I'm close to and ending up in a good place where there's a bubble, a safe zone, of trust. I think that before this week started, I didn't have much faith in that bubble, but for some reason I decided Monday or yesterday that it really was fine for me to put my trust into it and believe in it. Big mistake for me. Now, after having spent an entire semester trying just to protect myself from feeling abandoned, alone, worthless...I manage to do it all in one week without even having someone to abandon me in the first place.
I don't always take things like this well. In fact, I would say that most of the time I take them extraordinarily poorly. And I would also say that this time of year, the last week of classes, the moment before I need to be buckling down and doing well with work, this is not the time when I need to be making my life any harder with these issues. Sadly, we don't always get a choice in how our life plays out.
I guess this just hasn't been my year. I think, this year, I will actually make some resolutions for new year's, and hopefully stick to them.
12.04.2006
happy songs can be right
I live an excellent life. I've been realizing this more and more and it dawned on me today that I am so incredibly lucky. Sure, some times there are these bizarro things that trouble me or kind of throw me off kilter....but when it comes to day to day life, I have it made. I live in a great place and get to take baths, cook things, and read Nabakov. I love me.
I guess the only thing that I regret, ever, is that sometimes it is clear that my life revolves around myself. I don't mean in a "selfish" kind of way....like I don't always want everyone to act only in so much as it is useful to me....but I get a little wrapped up in myself and the way I live my life sometimes. I'm terrified of outside intrusion.
There's an empty box of condoms in the trashcan outside of my housemates' front door. The thought of them having sex with people is odd, since I'm sure it happens, and I might even hear it sometimes, but it never phases me.
Anyways, back to what I can tell is going to be one of my favorite novels. The prose is explosive.
I guess the only thing that I regret, ever, is that sometimes it is clear that my life revolves around myself. I don't mean in a "selfish" kind of way....like I don't always want everyone to act only in so much as it is useful to me....but I get a little wrapped up in myself and the way I live my life sometimes. I'm terrified of outside intrusion.
There's an empty box of condoms in the trashcan outside of my housemates' front door. The thought of them having sex with people is odd, since I'm sure it happens, and I might even hear it sometimes, but it never phases me.
Anyways, back to what I can tell is going to be one of my favorite novels. The prose is explosive.
here my motor purrs
there's a fine line between desperate and romantic. scenario once: the girl says: I have loved you from the moment I've seen you, and I think you're the one. the guy says: oh my god. you are a complete creep and I never want to see you again. get away from me. scenario deux: the girl says: I know this more than I've never known anything, that if there ever was a right one for me, you are it. I love you. the guy says: I feel completely the same way. thank you so much for being the perfect person and for loving me. let's get married.
fine line: being able to weigh the odds, play the game, and maintain a proper balance of your affections in line with the one to which they are directed.
If you play it wrong, you lose completely and usually end up single with a reputation for being crazy. Play it right, you end up married. Sometimes people say love operates in many shades of gray. Sometimes I even say it. But I'm starting to think that it's much more black and white.
I prefer to write about it in colors, so I'm off to dream.
fine line: being able to weigh the odds, play the game, and maintain a proper balance of your affections in line with the one to which they are directed.
If you play it wrong, you lose completely and usually end up single with a reputation for being crazy. Play it right, you end up married. Sometimes people say love operates in many shades of gray. Sometimes I even say it. But I'm starting to think that it's much more black and white.
I prefer to write about it in colors, so I'm off to dream.
11.24.2006
reflecting on thanksgiving
Well, I guess that in the line-up of holidays, this one was mediocre, but still, there was something worth thinking about. The trek for me was longer this year than most....usually we hold all of the major family holidays in my hometown, where my grandparents and mom still live, even though the other two parts of the family are other places in Virginia, but this year we went to Charlottesville. I guess since my grandmother died last year, they were trying to do things differently. Driving 3 hours home only to turn around and drive 3 hours (picking up my grandpa and taking the back way to Charlottesville) for the lunch only to do it all over again in reverse was not much fun. The interesting thing, for me at least, was finally sitting down with the two cousins I am closest in age with and laughing about how we all felt the same way, even though we never get to talk about it.
My one female cousin and I are the exact same age and have a lot of common interests and have always gotten along quite well. The interesting thing is that she's adopted, so our getting along and having things in common has nothing to do with us actually being related. Maybe that's the reason that she and I never really feel like we're in competition with each other...but for years her parents have always taunted my mom with all of her accomplishments in an attempt to get some sort of reaction...some sort of battle of resumes...in order to determine who has a better daughter. I have always thought it was ridiculous. This Thanksgiving she, myself, and our older cousin Drew laughed about how it's the same way for all of us. It never was something we really talked about before....but even though we're all 21 and older now, we all still sit at the "kid's table" so it gave us a chance to talk things over. They've all been doing it for years, "rewriting history," as Drew put it, in order to, I guess, teach the younger kids a "lesson" and make themselves feel good about the parenting they did with those of us who have and are graduating from college. We got fed up and went to the store and got beer. That is something I've been wanting to do with my family for years. Thank goodness for having family that I actually will look forward to seeing for Christmas. Maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe this will be one of the last years we'll all do Thanksgiving together. Once my grandfather dies, we probably will have little reason to all get together, so maybe it's good that I finally found something to enjoy in the holidays. If nothing else, I found out that our disdain for the way our family competes with each other over us is something that we all have in common, if nothing else.
Compared to my "usual" posts, this one is rather boring, but I guess that makes sense since I'm home. I always feel a little less "myself," or interesting, while I'm here. I head back to school tomorrow, I think. I can't wait.
My one female cousin and I are the exact same age and have a lot of common interests and have always gotten along quite well. The interesting thing is that she's adopted, so our getting along and having things in common has nothing to do with us actually being related. Maybe that's the reason that she and I never really feel like we're in competition with each other...but for years her parents have always taunted my mom with all of her accomplishments in an attempt to get some sort of reaction...some sort of battle of resumes...in order to determine who has a better daughter. I have always thought it was ridiculous. This Thanksgiving she, myself, and our older cousin Drew laughed about how it's the same way for all of us. It never was something we really talked about before....but even though we're all 21 and older now, we all still sit at the "kid's table" so it gave us a chance to talk things over. They've all been doing it for years, "rewriting history," as Drew put it, in order to, I guess, teach the younger kids a "lesson" and make themselves feel good about the parenting they did with those of us who have and are graduating from college. We got fed up and went to the store and got beer. That is something I've been wanting to do with my family for years. Thank goodness for having family that I actually will look forward to seeing for Christmas. Maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe this will be one of the last years we'll all do Thanksgiving together. Once my grandfather dies, we probably will have little reason to all get together, so maybe it's good that I finally found something to enjoy in the holidays. If nothing else, I found out that our disdain for the way our family competes with each other over us is something that we all have in common, if nothing else.
Compared to my "usual" posts, this one is rather boring, but I guess that makes sense since I'm home. I always feel a little less "myself," or interesting, while I'm here. I head back to school tomorrow, I think. I can't wait.
11.19.2006
entre act
I feel like I'm starting in the middle with this, but that's the only place to start. I lose myself, pick up the pieces, and do it all over again. I live alone, love alone, and find myself in the middle of messes often. I used to write, but now I just sit and stare at a screen and wait for things to make themselves apparent. I decided that I might as well use some of the times that I'm just making myself tired for some self reflection and maybe even get my desire to write back in the process. If you stumble upon this, or if I share it with you, I guess you are lucky. Until then, I am doing this just for myself. Sometimes typing things makes them. That's what I'm hoping for.
2.27.2006
maximum 95 characters
Current Mood: explosive
I decided that it's not possible that all of my friends are insane unless it's simply me that causes them to act that way. Either that or the fragmentation of postmodernism has taken hold and we're all trying to subvert our own inner dialogues for fear that they're the voice of the majority.
For heaven's sake. Heavens sa-ke, the drink. It would be damn good right now.
Everyone in this computer lab hates me because I keep tapping my fingers to my ipod's beat and everyone else is trying to study. Soon I'll be playing one of the games that is on the computer to teach business students about supply and demand. here I come, lemonade stand.
and that's more than a dress.
So, I have kissed a surprising amount of my top 8 friends. Really. Maybe that's why they're still around.
I have to get off this computer. I can't stand electricity and flashing advertising banners.
Where are the fucking candles?
I really am going. to give up.
Currently Listening: "If It Weren't For Venetian Blinds"
I decided that it's not possible that all of my friends are insane unless it's simply me that causes them to act that way. Either that or the fragmentation of postmodernism has taken hold and we're all trying to subvert our own inner dialogues for fear that they're the voice of the majority.
For heaven's sake. Heavens sa-ke, the drink. It would be damn good right now.
Everyone in this computer lab hates me because I keep tapping my fingers to my ipod's beat and everyone else is trying to study. Soon I'll be playing one of the games that is on the computer to teach business students about supply and demand. here I come, lemonade stand.
and that's more than a dress.
So, I have kissed a surprising amount of my top 8 friends. Really. Maybe that's why they're still around.
I have to get off this computer. I can't stand electricity and flashing advertising banners.
Where are the fucking candles?
I really am going. to give up.
Currently Listening: "If It Weren't For Venetian Blinds"
1.21.2006
what's good for me?
Current Mood: binary
drinking isn't? I don't know what is though. Love, love isn't good for me. It fills me up with worthwhile sentiments and then dissappears leaving me with all sorts of thoughts and feelings that I then, of course, just peddle off on someone else. being manipulative. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Good when I get what I want, bad when I realize how I've gotten what I wanted and it makes me a bad person. good= friendships with girls that don't hurt anyone. bad= friendships with boys that make me unsure of what the word "friend" entails exactly. good equals bottled water and showers, bad equals my room being messy for the first time this semester.
I'm going to be in bed all day reading. I guess that's worth something.
Currently Reading: He Knew He Was Right, Anthony Trollope
drinking isn't? I don't know what is though. Love, love isn't good for me. It fills me up with worthwhile sentiments and then dissappears leaving me with all sorts of thoughts and feelings that I then, of course, just peddle off on someone else. being manipulative. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Good when I get what I want, bad when I realize how I've gotten what I wanted and it makes me a bad person. good= friendships with girls that don't hurt anyone. bad= friendships with boys that make me unsure of what the word "friend" entails exactly. good equals bottled water and showers, bad equals my room being messy for the first time this semester.
I'm going to be in bed all day reading. I guess that's worth something.
Currently Reading: He Knew He Was Right, Anthony Trollope
11.29.2005
justpoetry
Current Mood: hopeful
justpoetry is back up. justpoetry.blogspot.com
I can't promise I'll keep updating it forever, but I will be taking a poetry class next semester, so at least I will have data to enter, if that's what poetry can be called.
Currently Listening: "Dilate," Ani DiFranco
justpoetry is back up. justpoetry.blogspot.com
I can't promise I'll keep updating it forever, but I will be taking a poetry class next semester, so at least I will have data to enter, if that's what poetry can be called.
Currently Listening: "Dilate," Ani DiFranco
11.09.2005
throw me a line
Current Mood: jealous
because apparently I don't have one I can use.
I'm procrastinating. Hurray! I really could/should be doing better things, particularly better things than being trivial and trite. I should be studying. Bah for it.
I am slightly at a loss for words, partially because I have not been listening to "any good music" lately. That's far from true. The problem is, I have 21 GB of music on my computer and have been listening only to songs by bands that begin with an A or B for the whole beginning of the semester. It's been a nice alternative to always listening to the exact same thing, but I just feel like there are certain types of music that are missing from my playlist. Spectrums that do not begin in an A or B.
I begin with an A. Ardent. That shall be my new adjective. I used to cheat and use alacrity. I am a lot less cheerful and / or willing these days. I am, however, still characterized by intense emotion.
God save the King and don't forget about me.
Goodnight.
Currently Reading: Bobos In Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There
because apparently I don't have one I can use.
I'm procrastinating. Hurray! I really could/should be doing better things, particularly better things than being trivial and trite. I should be studying. Bah for it.
I am slightly at a loss for words, partially because I have not been listening to "any good music" lately. That's far from true. The problem is, I have 21 GB of music on my computer and have been listening only to songs by bands that begin with an A or B for the whole beginning of the semester. It's been a nice alternative to always listening to the exact same thing, but I just feel like there are certain types of music that are missing from my playlist. Spectrums that do not begin in an A or B.
I begin with an A. Ardent. That shall be my new adjective. I used to cheat and use alacrity. I am a lot less cheerful and / or willing these days. I am, however, still characterized by intense emotion.
God save the King and don't forget about me.
Goodnight.
Currently Reading: Bobos In Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There
10.13.2005
Debriefing
Everything about today has made me frustrated. Frustrated, tired, angry...angry. The problem is, I don't know who to tell except for myself. I know it's silly to blog this and pretend that I'm miserable....but really, I am kind of miserable and I have no one else to listen. I feel so pathetic. I don't remember falling asleep last night. I remember being in so much physical pain and being completely awake until my roommate woke me up this morning when she had to go to class. I am suprised I am still moving with as little sleep as I think I got. I have two exams this morning, which I guess isn't really the problem, except that I don't feel rested at all which makes me not look forward to them. Everytime I try to look at something, my eyes hurt from the exhertment. It's quite silly. This morning during adventure games, we were blindfolded and I got pulled into someone's shoulder, hard, so I have a fairly sore spot on my face. I hope it doesn't bruise or swell...that's the last thing I need. I guess the real reason I am writing this all to myself is because as silly as it sounds, I needed to tell someone, and I had no clue who I could get to listen. I feel bad...because I definitely do complain to my friends sometimes and then I find myself really reluctant to continue asking them to listen since they already have. I feel like I'm whining. I guess I am. I guess it's okay as long as I'm the only person who has to read it. Perfect.
10.06.2005
Time to Deconstruct
mood: useless
I barely understand how I'm feeling right now. Every time I see a girl on campus with long, blonde hair, it's Miranda.
Everything else I really want to talk about is something I'm not allowed to say. I feel like I shouldn't keep talking about it. But I want to cry, constantly
It's midterms and I feel so alone and purposeless now that I'm done for the week. Work really may be the only thing that gets me through.
I hate being so fucking dramatic.
Currently Reading: Oryx and Crake
I barely understand how I'm feeling right now. Every time I see a girl on campus with long, blonde hair, it's Miranda.
Everything else I really want to talk about is something I'm not allowed to say. I feel like I shouldn't keep talking about it. But I want to cry, constantly
It's midterms and I feel so alone and purposeless now that I'm done for the week. Work really may be the only thing that gets me through.
I hate being so fucking dramatic.
Currently Reading: Oryx and Crake
7.14.2005
home away from home
current mood: comforted
I finally found it...something in the United States that makes me feel as if I am back in Japan for a few moments, surrounded by the familiar, comforting language and the faces from my neighborhood: Asian film. Ever since I've been back in the U.S., I never see a college aged kid without thinking that they all look exactly alike. I miss being in Japan with people I was growing to understand and feel a part of. I've missed it in a way that couldn't really be explained, but today I found something that comforted me, if only for the few hours it lasted. I have wanted to watch a couple of Asian films ever since I got back, and finally rented Hero (Chinese) last night and Last Life in the Universe (Japanese and Thai) today. I felt some comfort in simply understanding and recognizing the words and the actions and mannerisms of the characters. I don't know if it will be enough, but at least I've found a new love through which I can recall all of the fond memories I have of Japan that have seemed somewhat lost.
Currently Watching: Last Life in the Universe
I finally found it...something in the United States that makes me feel as if I am back in Japan for a few moments, surrounded by the familiar, comforting language and the faces from my neighborhood: Asian film. Ever since I've been back in the U.S., I never see a college aged kid without thinking that they all look exactly alike. I miss being in Japan with people I was growing to understand and feel a part of. I've missed it in a way that couldn't really be explained, but today I found something that comforted me, if only for the few hours it lasted. I have wanted to watch a couple of Asian films ever since I got back, and finally rented Hero (Chinese) last night and Last Life in the Universe (Japanese and Thai) today. I felt some comfort in simply understanding and recognizing the words and the actions and mannerisms of the characters. I don't know if it will be enough, but at least I've found a new love through which I can recall all of the fond memories I have of Japan that have seemed somewhat lost.
Currently Watching: Last Life in the Universe
in the beginning...
mood: godly
there was light, but I am guessing it wasn't at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
Sometimes I think that's where my life is, though a damp, dreary passageway through which I have to crawl on my knees. Either there or hidden somewhere another six years down the road and to get to it I have to take all of the right turns and not miss my exit. I guess of course that what I have now is a life, but sometimes it just feels too monotonous to be real. I seem to exist now outside of my body 60% of the time, but the rest of the time I spend being depressed by the things that continuously hold me back: lonliness, low self-image and self-esteem, fear of failure, some need to be desired and successful. I still haven't figured out who I am or who I want to be or what I consider success. I feel sometimes like I am simultaneously committing myself to two very different lifestyles which are completely contradictory.
In the middle of it all, I keep waiting for something earthshattering to finally give meaning to everything and show me the path which I must follow. Satori. An impenatrable idea which may be within my reach or may be several lifetimes away.
I feel so close sometimes. I have lost a sense of self. I have lost my voice. It almost seems unnecessary in the world I have created for myself. But still, I desire it so much. I wish I still had the words to describe what it is like to watch a fiber floating up through the air as if propelled by the heat from my body. I wish I had something to say about love and loss and sickness and health and forever and forever and forever.
There never seems to be the promise of forever in the thought of tomorrow. Half the time there seems like no tomorrow. But perhaps that is what forever is. A cessation of continuation. A definite stop which itself continues eternally. Or waking up from a dream. Realizing that we ourselves do live on past the point when our minds stop dreaming. I seem as equally disappointed in my dreams as in real life, so sometimes it's hard to tell which one is more realistic.
I'm making no sense which makes me happier than I've recognized myself as being in a while. Happy enough to close my eyes and float away and perhaps dream a dream of reality happening to me. Perhaps tonight the tunnel will shorten or the road become straighter or the one choice on my mind more apparent or the feelings that I am feeling more earnest and clear.
What is love about? Is it about stability, surreality, trust, truth? Is it percievable, perceptive, or an ancient art which has long been lost along with faith in something greater than a single nation or god. I have searched for the answer by believing in it, but believing blindly until I've trapped myself in my own ultimate (for the time) question. If you are busy believing in the idea of love that you've created for yourself, is it possible to notice when the real thing actually comes into your life or leaves it or does one get so stuck in their own idea of love that they live a forever limited life of what can be contained by their own mind? I used to think that my love grew everyday beyond my grasp, yet now it seems that it either grew so great that I cannot comprehend it or it exploded into nothing. I love nothing, it would seem. I feel no passion a good bit of the time and wonder whether I outgrew it or it outgrew me. I'm getting cryptic, which is okay with me. I understand myself, you see, as long as I don't say too much.
Currently Reading: Absalom, Absalom!
there was light, but I am guessing it wasn't at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
Sometimes I think that's where my life is, though a damp, dreary passageway through which I have to crawl on my knees. Either there or hidden somewhere another six years down the road and to get to it I have to take all of the right turns and not miss my exit. I guess of course that what I have now is a life, but sometimes it just feels too monotonous to be real. I seem to exist now outside of my body 60% of the time, but the rest of the time I spend being depressed by the things that continuously hold me back: lonliness, low self-image and self-esteem, fear of failure, some need to be desired and successful. I still haven't figured out who I am or who I want to be or what I consider success. I feel sometimes like I am simultaneously committing myself to two very different lifestyles which are completely contradictory.
In the middle of it all, I keep waiting for something earthshattering to finally give meaning to everything and show me the path which I must follow. Satori. An impenatrable idea which may be within my reach or may be several lifetimes away.
I feel so close sometimes. I have lost a sense of self. I have lost my voice. It almost seems unnecessary in the world I have created for myself. But still, I desire it so much. I wish I still had the words to describe what it is like to watch a fiber floating up through the air as if propelled by the heat from my body. I wish I had something to say about love and loss and sickness and health and forever and forever and forever.
There never seems to be the promise of forever in the thought of tomorrow. Half the time there seems like no tomorrow. But perhaps that is what forever is. A cessation of continuation. A definite stop which itself continues eternally. Or waking up from a dream. Realizing that we ourselves do live on past the point when our minds stop dreaming. I seem as equally disappointed in my dreams as in real life, so sometimes it's hard to tell which one is more realistic.
I'm making no sense which makes me happier than I've recognized myself as being in a while. Happy enough to close my eyes and float away and perhaps dream a dream of reality happening to me. Perhaps tonight the tunnel will shorten or the road become straighter or the one choice on my mind more apparent or the feelings that I am feeling more earnest and clear.
What is love about? Is it about stability, surreality, trust, truth? Is it percievable, perceptive, or an ancient art which has long been lost along with faith in something greater than a single nation or god. I have searched for the answer by believing in it, but believing blindly until I've trapped myself in my own ultimate (for the time) question. If you are busy believing in the idea of love that you've created for yourself, is it possible to notice when the real thing actually comes into your life or leaves it or does one get so stuck in their own idea of love that they live a forever limited life of what can be contained by their own mind? I used to think that my love grew everyday beyond my grasp, yet now it seems that it either grew so great that I cannot comprehend it or it exploded into nothing. I love nothing, it would seem. I feel no passion a good bit of the time and wonder whether I outgrew it or it outgrew me. I'm getting cryptic, which is okay with me. I understand myself, you see, as long as I don't say too much.
Currently Reading: Absalom, Absalom!
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