crazy.

I am in China. This website is all in Chinese characters.

I have been too busy to think, let alone write about it. I am loving it though. Full. I am.

so much more than this

There is so much going on in my head that I have been unable to translate into any sort of useful product either for class or for this blog. I have gotten to that place at the end of the semester where my mind is stretched so completely in eight different directions that it's almost a contest to see which section of me will completely collapse first. I apologize for nothing making sense, but just go with it for now. I will try to fix it later.

chicken little's vanilla skies are falling

I asked someone to marry me tonight.
and they said yes.

Granted, it's a pretty non-restrictive contract in that it has no implication on immediacy or monogamy...but, actually, aren't those the best types of contracts.

Whoa.

another thought

The Great Wall of China is so large that it affects our ability to have it definitively photographed. There is not one image that defines the Great Wall. Maybe I'll work on that this summer?

this just in

Today when I opened up my amazon.com homepage in order to look up a desk that would span my bathtub so I could write in the tub, I saw a ridiculous home page (I will scan images in later, promise). It prompted a lot of thought regarding my individuality, taste levels, cultural awareness, etc.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

I fixed my bike. My hands smell like bike grease but I am glad that I labored on the product myself. I do need to fix the breaks. Maybe I will learn how.

I am very surprised there is not a desk for writing over the bathtub. I may have to make one? Ask Bryan / Brian to make one? Hmm.

Alright. Shower, clean. Crazy keg party @ my house. Again, I mean. That's twice in three days.

What?

"blowout"

It is that lovely last day of classes also known as blowout. I need to post later to figure out what I did well this year and what I screwed up tragically, but right now I am studying for a test that I had put off studying for until now. It is in two and a half hours which is, in the great scheme of things, far too soon for me to do well. Alas.

distant galaxy update

I feel like it has been a while since I've actually sat down to this thing just to type and not to say something really specific.

I guess it's because I have been super busy with work and I feel like the last few days, maybe even since I first got sick last Thursday, have been a blur.

**Note: I just replaced the elipses I had placed around the clause in the middle of the above sentence with commas because I hate the way that technology degrades our language.

Right now I am running myself a bath and sitting down to plan the rest of the week before I call it a night. The fact that I can do that is marvelous!

I've been so sick that I've been in bed for a large amount of the time the last few days. I have gotten up to go and do important things, but I'm starting to feel a little lazy. Actually, I think I'm going to go work on a paper for finals instead of sitting here and doing nothing. I know it's kind of beside the point that I made earlier that I would relax....but when motivation strikes, you have to take it.

piercing scream

today is one of those days where I have to remind myself repeatedly, again and again, my life is not determined by external factors.

but I'm taking things one step at a time.

and I'll get to the end of the day.
and hopefully have done everything that needs to get done.

It's prime list making time.

Peace out.
SA meeting to attend to.

sitting in the dark

I think I have some more ideas about some future plans.

First, I think that the way I want to do all sorts of things is to go into military medicine with special interests in nontraditional methods....maybe something similar to Full Catastrophe Living like meditation...and look into how that affects different groups of people. I have some ideas.

Also, I want to do an independent study in women's studies next semester and keep an e-journal complete with pictures, detailing the ways in which my life is affected by me being a woman....seeking out privilege and seeking out flaws...reading some theory and figuring out how what they are saying is "true" or "false" within my own life. Seems like something I could get away with, yes?

Alright, well, I am going to go turn on some lights.

sleepy time t

I watched Rushmore tonight with Valeria, etc. It was REALLY good. I realized that I have got to keep getting good movies in the mail and actually watching them. I stopped doing this for a while earlier this semester and it meant that I never really thought about film but I really like film--well made films are beautiful to watch and have plenty of witty banter upon which to dwell. That is why I must keep watching them.

I cleaned tonight. Organizational, almost compulsive cleaning. I did the same thing last night when I watched Prince of Egypt with Jeff. I guess that's what "keeping house" is...being obsessed with things being in their place to the point that I sometimes waste time doing it. Although I wouldn't say a clean space is a waste of time.

*Yawn* I stayed up way past my bedtime tonight getting work done. I realized that I pretty much have at least one major thing to do or that is due every single day for the rest of the semester. Yikes! I also have a final paper due on Friday that I'm just not sure I can do. I wasn't really paying attention to how soon it was due. I haven't asked for an extension for anything all semester...so I really hope that I can get one, but I still always hate to ask. Maybe my professor will let me write on Fight Club the film rather than Fight Club the book, which would make it way easier.

Also, I was listening to Gregorian Chants on album while writing this post. It was PRETTY ridiculous.

absurdity

stay, men!
piss 'til?


It should further be recorded that these words are founded on the fact that my computer desktop is the picture to the left, (a red hibiscus) which is the food of the Hindu god Ganesha, a very moving figure indeed and a very fine specimen.

3:30 slump

I could not decide what to do at 3:30 this afternoon. An hour later, I have updated my blog in a way that I think is complimentary to what I wish I were getting out of it more often. Yesterday was such a full day. I wish it could have gone on forever but, of course, it didn't. For what it's worth, I think it may have been one of the more interesting days so far this year, although I've been having an awful lot of those recently. I won't get into details, but I met some super sweet people (also see picture) who played some fantastic music and were generally good company.

I can't really focus on telling you anything more this post, since I'm more concerned with other things....like continuing to update the way I run this blog...maybe even go back and label some of my other posts. I mean, it's mostly just for me, but why not do what I can with what I can.

I wish I knew HTML better....it would be a huge help.

I also wish that putting ideas on paper could happen spontaneously without my investment of time in them.

i of the tyger

eI, again, did not accomplish half of the things I needed to get done. I skipped classes to do them, and instead went back to sleep which was rewarding but not that enlightening. Also, it did not make my space any cleaner.

Now it is 12:40 and if I want to get to my 1:00 class on time ish, which I do, I have to neglect my duties in order to focus on my personal appearance for 20 minutes. It's 4/20 and a Friday. I want as many things about my body to be ridiculous as possible.

Alright, that might be stretching it a little bit.

I wonder how many people read this and think they know me but don't tell me they read it. I only read about four peoples livejournal/blogs religiously, and only snoop onto others when it seems inevitable...in which case I generally don't go back to keep reading them. Mine, however, is linked in my Facebook profile which is an expanding world of anonymity...a place where you, to quote MTV..."think you know but you have no idea."

12:42. My ability to look ridiculous has already been impeded. Must go.

Addition: Upon going back and actually linking, I realized that I only read about 3 people's blogs religiously. The fourth one would be mine which I do actually reread about as often as I post. Well, something like that.

hard to make cents

I always have a hard time pulling the pieces of my life back together when confronted with how insignificant my life is when compared to the enormous spectrum of things...which means, of course, that in my own life nothing is more important than my own life. It's a little confusing and a lot screwed up. The whole world.

I think I may have finally found the correct order to put all of my pieces together. As in, good for the rest of my life way of putting the pieces together. I'm pretty excited.

After I've dwelled on it for a bit, I will share.

loud noises!

The fact that there was a major storm last night that shook my windows and kept me awake did not deter the people working on the house next to me from coming in to work today. On the contrary, they were in to work even earlier and they shouted even more.

One man was even heard to shout, "I will follow you anywhere."

I did realize, though, that if I start listening harder, I may pick up some Spanish by the end of this.

In other news, I was afraid of my dreams last night. They weren't nightmares, so to speak...but I kept waking myself up for fear of knowing what happens next.

Alas.

happy endings

I couldn't really be more pleased with the way today and yesterday went.

Of the 110 things I needed to get done around the house, I think I accomplished like 35, which is a lot. Laundry, watering plants (the inside ones, obviously with all this rain!), dishes, coffee, trash, recycling, kitty, fridge, more kitty, more laundry, and more trash. That's not 35, but believe me when I say that I feel just as productive.

I am feeling alright about Chemistry...which, actually, is better than feeling confident, since I'm sure I will actually pay attention to what I'm doing rather than feeling cocky or whatnot.

I watched a fabulous movie and took a three hour nap instead of stressing out.

I danced a lot and had fun on Saturday with two of my favorites and said some pretty sentimental things to people who will appreciate them.

My only regret is that there are some people that I just can't read. And sometimes I get frustrated because I really, and I mean really, like to know what's going on.

My cat is going insane. I'm going to bed.

senior formal

I am just realizing now that I don't have the time to really get down to what was fantastic about last night. But I had a fabulous, delicious evening and I couldn't have asked for a better total package.

More soon.

Addendum: see the "labels" for what this evening entailed.

printing

I smell like cumin, incense, and indecision.

So, I've been trying to get a firm grasp on whether or not I'm emotionally doing alright right now...part of that process is being able to look back and get a good feel for how I've been expressing myself and whether or not it has been generally healthy. One big problem. Sometime in between the time that I had just gotten back from Japan and now I stopped posting for a good 8 months. During this 8 month period of time, a lot of things happened. I have some journal writings from Europe which I guess I could put up....if I really wanted to search back through them, which might not be a bad idea...but I'm not sure if they're the type of writing that I need to be looking at to figure myself out.

I just want to make sure that I'm moving in the right direction.
It's hardly ever as easy as it seems...

at night

a bath is about
cleaning your body
without getting your hair wet.

Prozac Nation

I think that Prozac Nation was harder to watch than anything else I've ever seen. Harder even than grotesque violence. Harder than really bad B-movies. Harder because the entire time I was seeing the familiar. Those lines weren't just some abstract screenplay that had something to do with someone else. It was my life. Those were my fights with my own mother. That is my life up to this point. I think, somehow, that I'm on the tail end of it...but to watch it...to see it...to recognize again just how close to the very bottom I was and to know that I could be there again...I could cry. All night. I won't. I won't because that's what not being depressed is about. It's about recognizing the difference between reality and theory. In theory I could cry. In theory I could have been devestated by my experiences. In reality, I know that I have to pull myself together and continue functioning. Functioning is what keeps me sane when there is nothing else left. That and keeping myself entertained. I look back on the times that I was a lot closer to crazy...and I guess I am just thankful that even though I didn't always feel supported, there were people around me who didn't give up. If you have ever done that for me or for anyone else...you should know that it's not always easy for someone to recognize how much you've helped them or even to say thank you, but you should know that you changed someone's life. You saved someone's life.